Our Operatives' Talents Touted In Landscum Glossy Magazine

WELL, LADIES, the April 2006 issue of Discover has certainly proven to be a goldmine of Fish Intelligence, in both senses of that phrase. It was on page 12 of this issue that I learned that our contacts in Pittsburgh, PA are finally ready to publish some of their findings regarding the intelligence testing of Goldfish. A Calico Fantail who wishes to be anonymous (in the article, "Nemo Goes To College," they used the pseudonym "Albert Einstein" – especially funny because before she joined our ranks she was a homeless woman whose first name was, in fact, Albertine). Now she not only has luxury digs in the home of a well-off engineer but has gotten her picture in a glossy magazine. Not many Goldfish can say that. And needless to say she is reporting STRAIGHT BACK TO US on the engineer’s findings about her ability to do simple tricks like swim under a limbo bar. This guy is almost the only one out there trying to prove that we are intelligent creatures. Of course they continue to assume that "intelligent" means either "able to work mathematical equations" or "willing to take orders from Naked Apes." Sigh. I shouldn’t complain – Jessica Ruvinsky’s article makes clear that we are still swimming WELL BELOW THEIR RADAR.

Let me note that the image above is an action photo of our famed operative, Alberta Einstein!

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! On page 26 we see an article linking the three-dimensional camouflage skills of Cephalopods (see earlier blog entry on the movie Possession) to the possible linguistic challenges of the day when Homo sap. finally meets intelligent extraterrestrials. In "Why Not Morph?" Jaron Lanier writes enviously of the ability of the Cuttlefish, Octopus and related species to not only change their colors, but their shapes and behaviors, in ways that boggle the puny landscum mind. I was PARTICULARLY SATISFIED to see the author point out the embarrassing limitations of computer graphics and cutting-edge "virtual reality" programs compared to the inborn talents of our operatives. To listen to most of these people talk you’d think it was the proudest achievement since the Great Pyramid, but to the fish people it’s JUST LAUGHABLE. I did not know, by the way, that early prototypes of virtual-reality "avatars" were aquatic creatures, like Lobsters. Ha!

The author knows all this, but he still misses the point. He says on page 27, "If Cephalopods someday evolve to become intelligent creatures with civilizations…" IF??? I know, I know, they don’t consider you intelligent until you’ve become stupid enough to split an atom and annihilate yourself. But still!

And let us bear in mind that he is only discussing the comparatively gaudy, tinpot talents of the Cephalopods. He describes virtual reality programs as a pale imitation of what a Cuttlefish can do, and he said a mouthful THERE. But a Moon Wrasse who changes from male to female as needed is as far above the Cuttlefish in this respect as the Cuttlefish is above Homo sap. And on down the chain, to the deepest parts of the ocean, and from there to the very MIND OF DAGON.