Sunday, March 19, 2006



Starring a bunch of giggling and/or sneering girls in their early teens

PLOT SUMMARY: OK, this is your basic mermaid story. Chick with long flowing hair and a fish's tail washes ashore at the Capri Beach Club, hiding out in the club’s seawater-flooded, kelp-shrouded beachside swimming pool. She immediately sets her cap for the club’s hunky lifeguard, Raymond. She enlists the help of two 12-year-old girls who have loved Raymond MUCH longer than the mermaid has. It should not be possible to obtain help from such persons. But the mermaid has serious leverage: the girls are about to be separated when one of them moves to Australia, and the mermaid says they will get any wish they want if they help her. Their goal is to stay together. Comedy ensues as the mermaid, Aquamarine, tries to get Raymond to fall in love with her without him finding out her species. This needs to happen before her own time ashore runs out and before the friends have to separate. WILL THEY PREVAIL?


>> I fail to understand something here. The story goes that any mermaid supposedly lives only to make landlubber men fall for her. Why, then, would she have to prove to herself or anyone else that there is such a thing as love? That's what all this fuss is about. Evidently she's trying to make a point to her father, Poseidon.

>> I fail to understand why the landscum think they are the only species capable of love. Fish are MADE of love and Poseidon definitely does not need to be filled in on that fact. Jesus, humans are so dumb I could slap them over and over until they…oh sorry, back to the review.

>> I fail to understand something else. Say Aquamarine succeeds in getting Raymond to fall for her, under false pretenses. THEN what?

>> On second thought, never mind; that part should work out. Raymond is a dork. He might not even notice he's involved in a Piscatorial Romance. By the end of the film I still wasn’t clear on whether he knew which end was, well, you know.

>> I fail to understand how the filmmakers expected this story to be believable to their target audience. All this stuff about braving your deep fears or sacrificing a great desire for your best middle-school girlfriend is a load of horseapples. I am speaking to you as a former twelve-year-old girl myself.

>> I fail to understand something else. Speaking as a part-fish, part-human amalgam, I have to say the last person I would ever go to for romantic advice is a twelve-year-old dateless wonder still in her hopeless-crush-on-a-high-school-senior phase. Never mind TWO of them.

>> I did like one quip by the title character: "We're not mythical. We're discreet."

>> This film combines the least engaging features of Blast From The Past with those of Dagon. I kept waiting for tentacles to shoot out of Aquamarine's mouth and engulf Raymond's head, but it was not to be.

>> There was no totally-excellent scene in which Poseidon came ashore in a towering rage. If you’re going to make him seem like a power-hungry ogre, I say do it right.

>> We also never got to see a mob of angry Fish People storm the beach and eat the bathers. This is a major oversight as far as I’m concerned.

>> There were actually a lot of good things about this movie: the script, the pace, the acting, the fact that neither one of the landlubber girls is an Odious Child type. It isn't overly sweet.

>> I have to give this film a resounding "meh," yet I’d still advise you to see it -- it's perfect if you're trying to entertain a niece for the weekend or something. But make sure it’s a landlubber niece. We want only positive, HELPFUL messages going to our young part-fish operatives. This might well give them the wrong idea about – not their recruiting goals, exactly, but the best way to ACHIEVE them. This Aquamarine character does everything wrong, every step of the way, and finally gets what she wants only by sheerest luck.

>> In fact, LET ME LIST THE MISTAKES: 1) She’s working alone, in actual defiance of her Pod leader. As if she knew best how to handle a recruiting operation – sheesh. 2) Hiding in a shallow wading pool that’s about to be emptied and cleaned is suicide. If she had been spotted she would have been pinned to a dissecting table before the first reel was over. 3) Recruiting the least likely prospect on the whole beach is just stupid. There is no reason to do things the hard way. 4) Coming ashore from the sea instead of moving towards an aquatic life from the land is also just stupid. We stopped doing it that way CENTURIES ago, for EXCELLENT reasons. 5) Outing herself to not one, but FIVE of the landscum by the end of the film, without converting ANY of them to our side first, is bizarre beyond belief. You all know the steps we follow: start with the DNA transfer, THEN wait and see what species the new contact transforms into, and THEN, NOT BEFORE, tell them who they are and where they’re going. 6) Making a spectacle of herself. Oh, this list could go on and on. I’d better quit. If you need this explained to you at THIS late date, you need to be KILLED and EATEN.

>> Come to think of it, this naive fantasy film could easily become the Reefer Madness of our glorious Movement. Aquamarine has all the qualities of the many cautionary films aimed at teenagers to keep them away from sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll: a good, solid message embedded in a laughably ignorant morass of idiocy. I MAY YET ADOPT IT AS A TRAINING FILM. Let me watch it a few more times and maybe show it to a couple of mixed-species focus group.


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