Cliffie's Notes

One More Time...

2012-02-01T11:13:00.000-08:00

I just want to reiterate for you new recruits who find it hard to tell "us" from "them" because they have too recently begun to change into fish:

HE'S NOT REALLY A NEWT. THEY JUST CALL HIM THAT.

Those weeping and gnashing their pharyngeal teeth over Gingrich's big loss yesterday in the Florida primary can just CALM DOWN RIGHT NOW. Neither her, nor the other guy named after a catcher's glove, is one of our operatives.

At the rather they're going -- despite Romney's close ties to the Great Lake State -- THEY NEVER WILL BE.

RIVER MONSTERS With Your Host, Jeremy Wade!

2012-01-29T12:40:00.000-08:00

Well, THERE'S NOTHING NOT TO LIKE ABOUT THIS SHOW. A lone angler -- excuse me, EXTREME angler -- travelling the world, bringing the American cable-TV- and satellite-watching public together with ONE DANG LARGE FISH AFTER ANOTHER. EVERY ONE OF THEM A GORGEOUS EXAMPLE OF THE WONDER AND GLORY THAT AWAITS THE HUMAN RECRUIT ONCE HE BECOMES A FISH AND JOINS US IN THE SEA FOREVER. The guy's name is even Wade -- the name of operative Eleanor Caskey's fictitious homehown in Blackwater by Michael McDowell. STILL MY FAVORITE SERIES OF PISCATORIAL ROMANCE NOVELS.

But soft -- IS there something not to like? Let me think about this:

>> Most of the show gives the viewer a pretty bleak perspective on what it can be like to be recruited by a fish. The guy just seems to stand there, hour after hour, week after week, struggling against the current in his hip-waders. He even tells us, in so many words, that the five minutes of excruciating boredom he's just given us is the most exciting clip out of days or weeks of el zilcho. He never quite comes out and says "the Sherpas have abandoned base camp and the camera guy is threatening to leave too," but it's implied. He manages to leave out every drop of romance, as if, you know, he were just out there to catch a big man-eating fish with snout tentacles. How he managed this, while simultaneously claiming to be madly in love with these great big fish, is simply baffling.

>> Wade's narration is best described by the word "thud." Even when he's all excited, he sounds like he's taken a leetle too much of his prescribed sedative.

>> New recruits MIGHT, I say MIGHT, get the wrong idea about what awaits them in the Amazon, the Ganges or any of the other rivers Wade showcases. He tells all these wild stories about how this or that intrepid fisherman got eaten alive, implying that when you head out there with a hook on a string, you're in for a fight. Honestly, those guys WANTED to get eaten. That's why they were out there in a boat in the first place! WE NEVER EAT THE UNWILLING.

>> Wade is a catch-and-release guy. YOU ALL KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT.

But overall, this show is well worth the watch. Thousands of American fans watch slack-jawed, making comments like "Did you see that fish? I can't believe that!" One of the most effective techniques when it comes to Wade is to simply leave the TV on with the sound off, and talk about something else. You can sit back and smile over a job well done when your recruits' eyes swivel to take in THE MOST GLORIOUS SIGHT THEY'VE EVER SEEN.

On A Lighter Note...

2012-01-09T13:36:00.000-08:00

LOOK WHO WON A TOP-10 SLOT in the "Most Exotic Animals" Contest this week!

This Is So Wrong, I Don't Even Know What To Say...

2012-01-09T13:23:00.000-08:00

WHERE DO THEY GET THESE IDEAS!?

I wish I were kidding about this, ladies -- a "new" Crab species "discovered" by a group of Shaved Monkeys tooling around in deep-sea submersibles has been named after...wait for it...David Hasselhoff. I guess I can understand that there's a tenuous connection because of the Hoff's history on Baywatch, but I TOTALLY DISAGREE that this species of operative has a hairy chest like "The Hoff's" and I REALLY, REALLY DISAGREE with any other comparison between the two. The Hoff spends hours tanning; these noble Crabs retire in the shadows close to deep-sea vents. The Hoff eats magical, melting cheeseburgers; these ladies imbibe only from dainty, superheated mineral water. The Hoff is a frikkin' drunk and NO CRAB IN HISTORY EVER WAS, LET ALONE THIS SPECIE.

I could go on and on. But I won't. YOU GET THE IDEA.

BEYOND ATLANTIS

2011-12-27T08:33:00.000-08:00

There's NOTHING NOT TO LIKE about this 1973 epic spectacular, starring Patrick Wayne, Leigh Christian and Sid Haig. It combines the best features of Piranha, your favorite swords-and-sandals movie, Creature From The Haunted Sea and a surprise trip to HP Lovecraft's Fiji islands. RECRUITING GOLD, ladies! Everyone who wants to draw humans into the sea, or anyone who just likes crappy movies full of people wearing bellbottoms, should have a copy of this in her home film library...and let me specially thank the Snakehead Territory operative who made sure this item made it into my hot little fins in time for Squidmas. There was a little something extra in THAT Squidmas stocking, you may be sure.

Wait, that paragraph probably makes no sense, does it? LET ME EXPLAIN. This movie is meant to be an adventure thriller, with an assortment of lowlife gamblers and pimps hoping to find the secret Oyster beds that yield up what they call "Tuscarora pearls." The cast of characters seems to be based in the Phillipines, judging by the fact that the locals all look Asiatic in a surfer-dude kind of way, but they all have names like Manuel and Pepe. Everyone on this island hangs out in brothels and gambling dens with what resemble wealthy American ex-pats. The outfits are like time travel for me, taking me back to my years as a bipedal travel agent who had NO IDEA SHE WAS TURNING INTO A CATFISH. But that's another story. Suffice to say this film is an orgy of polyester leisure suits, elaborately modified beehive updos, halter tops, great big high-waisted bellbottoms, and those loud, shiny shirts men used to wear when they were going out nightclubbing in the '70s. The guy who owns the boat acquires an unwanted extra passenger in the form of -- I'm not sure. Is she an anthropologist? She believes that finding the Tuscarora pearls is the key to finding a lost tribe, anyway, and that's what SHE wants to study.

So they follow the directions of a local pearl distributor to this island, inhabited by these excellent swimmers with great big ping-pong-ball, or maybe even baseball, eyes that never blink. In every other respect they are unmistakably Phillipino. They are ruled by a blue-eyed Greek guy named Nereus and his blonde daughter, Syrene -- get it? Get it!? Sure enough, the anthropologist starts finding signs that they are not Asiatic at all, but Minoan, explaining that the Minoans lived on an island in the Mediterranean that sank under the sea centuries ago. Get it? Huh? Atlantis?

The boat owner wants to leave as soon as he can, partly because Syrene is warm for his form and he wants nothing to do with her. The rest of the pearl-diving gang wants to lay waste the native village and strip the area of every Oyster. But the natives are getting restless. WILL ANYONE SURVIVE?

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON THIS EPIC ADVENTURE:

>> I have to say, the swimming scenes are pretty convincing when you consider the source. Syrene and the fish-eyed natives seem able to hold their breath practically forever, and they do it without resorting to the constant cutting that usually reveals that the actor is making his or her way to a hidden air hose.

>> I love, love, LOVE the fact that tucked away on a Pacific island is a pool stocked with what the pearl-divers instantly recognize as "Cannibal Fish" -- obviously Piranhas. Wait, guys -- if they were cannibals, wouldn't they just eat EACH OTHER?

>> Earlier I made a reference to the Roger Corman classic, Creature From The Haunted Sea. Well, the anthropologist character is the one who reminded me of that fine film, because she shares a special power with the characters in Haunted Sea that I wish I had myself. Despite the fact that she shows up in a taxi with just the clothes on her back as the boat is leaving for the secret island, she continues to appear in each scene in a spanking-new, brand-clean, freshly-pressed new outfit. Her hair is always gelled and coiffed to perfection. In one memorable scene -- the confrontation with Nereus at the fish people's temple -- she walks in wearing taupe bellbottoms, and walks out aminute later wearing black ones. Pretty impressive!

>> Especially charming is the fact that when a pearl-diving character is dragged into the deep and his air hose cut by the fish people, NOBODY EVER MENTIONS HIM AGAIN. Nobody says "whatever happened to Frank, anyway?" He never washes up dead on the beach, either, nor any scrap of neoprene from his frogman suit. That at least is realistic. WE LIKE TO LEAVE NO TRACES.

>> One curious feature of this movie -- to my knowledge not present in any other film of its era -- is the slang. They keep using the phrase "ripped off" to mean "killed." At one point Sid Haig falls into a pit of terrifying killer Crabs and screams that that Crabs "tried to rip me off, man!" Surely they weren't digging in his pockets looking for cash!

>> Please note that the fish people are ruled by -- chuckle -- a man. Like we'd ever let THAT happen.

>> Please note that when Syrene chooses Vic Mathias as her mate, he wants nothing to do with her. Like we'd ever let THAT happen,either.

>> Please note that the anthropologist "rips off" Syrene in her own territory -- the water. Like we'd ever let THAT happen on this planet!

>> As usual, the humans involved TOTALLY MISAPPREHEND the situation from start to finish, the saving grace of the film and the one that ensures -- here as in real life -- that OUR SECRETS ARE SAFE. Luckily, there's an anthropologist on the expedition to help with that, stating her bizarre belief that once Syrene gets "ripped off," I mean killed, the entire tribe is doomed to die with her. LEAVE IT TO A HUMAN SCIENTIST TO COME UP WITH THAT ONE.

There are so many great moments in here, I do not want to spoil the movie for you listing out every one of them. Let's leave it at that.

It's a great movie. You'll love it!

Sharktacular Squidmas Gift Available Now At Wireless!

2011-12-21T12:12:00.000-08:00

I want my ardent readers to notice that in silhouette, this Shark chapeau looks exactly like one of those blasted Santa hats with the elf ears attached. BUT THIS BABY CAN BE WORN YEAR-ROUND, FOR ALL OCCASIONS.

CLICK HERE TO ORDER THE ADULT SIZE: http://www.thewirelesscatalog.com/cgi-bin/hazel.cgi?action=DETAIL&ITEM=VL4606

CLICK HERE TO ORDER THE KID SIZE:

http://www.thewirelesscatalog.com/cgi-bin/hazel.cgi?action=DETAIL&ITEM=VL4616

THERE'S STILL BARELY ENOUGH TIME TO ORDER!

A Squidmas Gift That Keeps On Giving!

2011-12-21T12:10:00.001-08:00

...Or Even This!

2011-12-15T09:51:00.000-08:00

Now, normally I would NEVER recommend a toy that builds hand-eye coordination. HAND-EYE COORDINATION IS STRICTLY FOR NAKED APES. But these SHARK JACKS are so very piscatorial, I decided, hey -- why not? This is simply a Shark version of the ancient children's game -- on a single bounce of the ocean-colored ball you have to pick up as many Sharks as you can with one hand, then catch the ball before it hits the ground...with the same hand.

...Or Try This Recruiting Toy Out On The Younger Set!

2011-12-15T09:47:00.001-08:00

Add THIS To Your Squidmas Shopping List!

2011-12-14T07:19:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's finally here! A remote-controlled, helium-filled KILLER SHARK your kids can fly around the house all year 'round! The Air Swimmer costs $49.99 and also comes in a Clownfish version. GREAT RECRUITING TOOL, LADIES!

(Helium not included.)

Easy Beginner's Project For New Conspirators

2011-11-07T13:32:00.000-08:00

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!

New conspiracy members often start this way. It is easy to do ANYWHERE IN THE NORTH AMERICAN ZONE, as long as there is a pond, river or WHAT HAVE YOU in the way of fresh water, deep enough not to freeze solid in winter and NOT TOO HOT.

STEP 1: Obtain a Baggie of fugitive Goldfish, Koi or both. You can start with as little as 3 to 5 operatives, but to form a good genetic base you will want around 20 to 50.

(KILLER ASIAN CARP work too, but are harder to fit in a Baggie. Other good choices are regular moustachioed Carp, or even Blue Catfish. You all know how much I am in favor of Snakeheads.)

STEP 2: Add to the pond, lake or river you have chosen.

STEP 3: SIT BACK AND LAUGH as they set about taking over the minds and bodies of all who see them flickering goldenly about in the depths.

Repeat as needed.

A Salute To Eddie Quist

2011-10-26T09:29:00.001-07:00

I just saw The Howling for the first time in years and years, and I just wanted to point out how much I appreciate the blunt honesty of hero Eddie Quist. He is a bit furry -- much furrier than the average human, in fact -- and he is part of a MUCH LESS SUCCESSFUL WORLD TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY. But there's one thing you can't take away from him. Eddie understands perfectly what humans are good for.

They are there to be KILLED. And EATEN.

THE SWARM

2011-10-16T10:52:00.000-07:00

WELL, THIS ONE WAS INTERESTING!

This 1974 Arthur Herzog novel is the source of MANY AN OVERBLOWN LEGEND about our sisters in the world-takeover conspiracy, the killer bees. Not to mention the source of a really crappy big-budget disaster movie, 1978's The Swarm, featuring BRADFORD DILLMAN -- whose acting brilliance, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, just wasn't enough to save the picture from being a STEAMING PILE.

...But back to the book. This is actually a great read, with a sort of Andromeda Strain feel to it. The reader watches, more than a little tensely, as the desperate scientists work to solve the killer-bee riddle before the entire USA is inundated with the stinging hordes. They hardly ever bog you down in a bunch of scientific claptrap, tacking back and forth from the bee-research facility to, say, a picnic where someone broke a jar of honey, and you know everyone is about to die horribly. The tension stays high and so does the reader's interest.

But...it's weird in spots.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON SOME OF THE MORE ASTONISHING FACETS OF THIS STORY:

>> Even though they have a lovely and mysterious Brazilian scientist on the team, NOBODY MAKES THE CONNECTION that the killer bees, long extant in Brazil, are REALLY NOT MUCH OF A PROBLEM DOWN THERE. Typical for a Seventies sci-fi novel, the lovely and mysterious etc's main purpose in the story is for the protagonist to go to bed with.

>> It seems far from clear to these bee experts that every attack on humans starts with an attack on the bees. You'd think at least that the 10-year-old boy who lost his parents and sister to the first bee attack would know better than to go out and throw a rock at the hive. That's just what he does, though, and GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT? Typical Shaved Monkeys, I swear!

>> It's far from clear to me, personally, why the authorities thought it would be safer to have people living in tents in Central Park as the killer bees storm New York City. They keep saying that the apartment buildings are far too easy for the bees to get into, compared to a tent. Yeah, OK. Nobody even mentions the fact that tents are very unlikely to have any useful amount of food or water inside them, let alone sanitary facilities, forcing the refugees to leg it repeatedly across the park for everything they need, when they could be buttoned up safely in their own homes with canned goods and running water. I really dare say even the unsafe apartments could be MADE safe. HAVE THESE BRILLIANT SCIENTISTS NEVER HEARD OF CAULK?

>> The ending was purely a wish-fulfillment fantasy. 'Nuff said. I WON'T SPOIL IT FOR YOU. But it was a nice touch of lemmingdom, really...I'll shut up now.

>> Most astonishing of all is the unlikely racist undersmell in this story. OK, not an undersmell -- it's an oversmell. In all my years of hearing about the onrushing Killer Bee menace, I never heard them called African or Africanized bees. They were always the Brazilian killer bees, period dot. My first exposure to the "African Menace" angle came about pretty recently, when I saw something about it in Michael Moore's gun-violence documentary, Bowling For Columbine. But Herzog points out, on every page of his book, that the bees are African. There's one scene where a scientist barges into a boardroom at the research center where they're discussing their bee findings, saying "They've discovered a tribe of Mau Maus in Florida!" By this he means a hive of killer bees. Much later in the story they sit around discussing with straight faces the fact that the African bees need to be replaced by WASPs -- white Anglo-Saxon Protestant bees. No, really, they said it right there on the page. And then they all laughed. In other words, ladies, the Naked Apes look at killer bees and see the Black Power movement. Unbelievable. I mean, I know humans are anthropomorphizers, monkeycentric, thinking everything is about THEM -- but puuuu-leeze! DID NOBODY NOTICE THE EXOSKELETONS?

You'll enjoy this one, I promise.

SNAKEHEAD: A FISH OUT OF WATER

2011-10-16T10:10:00.000-07:00

WHAT A DELIGHTFUL READ THIS WAS!

Snakehead: A Fish Out Of Water was penned by Eric Jay Dolin and came out in 2003 through Smithsonian Books. Normally not the place you'd expect to find such an entertaining story, but there you go. I SIMPLY CANNOT RECOMMEND THIS BOOK TOO HIGHLY, no matter how far along you are in your transformation from Shaved Monkey to fully aquatic. In fact, even an unimproved, 100% human should get quite a kick out of it.

What's so great about this one? Let me enlighten you:

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON THIS LAFF RIOT OF A BOOK:

>> As a rule, the books I read and review for you here at The Notes are not really about fish. They are about WHAT NAKED APES THINK ABOUT FISH. This book comes right out and admits that fact.

>> The author makes no bones about the fact that what Naked Apes think about fish is, well, STOOPID.

>> As you read you will learn a great deal about how the Shaved Monkeys think. They go on and on about their superior intelligence and penetrating insights, but let's get real, THEY DROP EVERYTHING AND FREAK OUT IF YOU TELL THEM A SCARY STORY. This happens to be a scary story about a fish. On page after page, you see this or that scientist or expert get shouted down by the spaz cases who want to believe that they are all about to be eaten alive by twelve-foot amphibious lake monsters. You could really die laughing as you read.

>> The book takes us, pretty much day by day, through the Summer of the Snakehead (2002), and starts you right out with the guy who caught a good-sized operative at Crofton Pond and let her go because he thought she looked pregnant. Awww, isn't it cute when they do something that will get them all KILLED and EATEN? From there the story was off and running, because he couldn't quite figure out the species and sent some photos to the DNR. They told two friends, and they told two friends, and so on, and so on...

>> Next thing any of us knew, John Stewart and Stephen Colbert were covering the fracas over at The Daily Show. WE KNEW WE'D HIT THE BIG TIME AT THAT POINT. It was awesome. Hiding behind this smokescreen, the Asian Carp made more progress up the Mississippi River, UNNOTICED AND UNMOLESTED, than at any other time in their campaign. I truly believe that an Asian Carp could have launched herself out of the water and jammed herself up the President's nose that summer without anyone even noticing. IT WAS ALL ABOUT THE SNAKEHEADS.

>> You and I, of course, know THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STORY. Our operative -- who was, indeed, expecting -- knew her cover had been blown as soon as the fisherman's buddy got out his camera. At this moment, unbeknownst to the Shaved Monkeys, IT WAS ALREADY ALL OVER. Long before the DNR saw those photos, the operative had led a detachment of her compatriots into the nearby Little Patuxent River, leaving behind only those who had NO SENSITIVE INFORMATION TO REVEAL. Expert fish scientist type guys spent the summer sandbagging, defoliating and poisoning the pond, NEVER KNOWING THEIR WORST FEARS WERE ALREADY REALIZED. It's enough to make a cat laugh.

>> Disappointments? Well, yes, there were a few in here. Like so many books that come out these days, this one could have benefited from a thorough copyediting. Even I know the difference between "bare" and "bear," for crying out loud. Also, the story stops short at the fall of 2002, and you never get to read the horrified commentary about the Snakeheads who took over the Potomac, essentially SURROUNDING the nation's capital. Also, while the author touches on the panics surrounding the infestations of earlier decades -- the killer bees of course, the Sea Lampreys and, Yours Truly, the Walking Catfish -- he never got all that deeply into those branches of the story. THAT WAS A BIG MISTAKE.

But these are only minor quibbles. THIS ONE BELONGS IN EVERY OPERATIVE'S HOME LIBRARY.

Shaved Monkey Has Flash Of Insight

2011-10-02T13:39:00.000-07:00

Live like a mud-fish; its skin is bright and shiny

even though it lives in mud.

(Ramakrishna)

Now, HERE'S MY QUESTION about this pithy quote: Does it express admiration for the inherent greatness of the mighty clan of mudfish? Does it embody true PISCATORIAL LOVE? Or is this just another typical Monkey People statement about looking better than your neighbors, in order to assert that your monkey status is higher than theirs? YOU BE THE JUDGE.

Gave Their Lives For The Cause

2011-09-25T13:17:00.000-07:00

I have just received the full list of operatives who were lost in the hideous AQUARIUM FIRE in Mapua, New Zealand.

The 299 operatives lost GAVE THEIR ALL while attempting to bring fish and humans together. The number of recruits they brought in over the years is INCALCULABLE. They are destined now to cavort, in wonder and glory forever, in the Roiling Intestine of Dagon.

The single surviving operative, who asked that her name NOT be posted on the Internet, did not waste a minute GETTING BACK TO WORK.

FISH NEVER DO WASTE TIME.

The investigation continues into who lit the place on fire. The fact that a Shaved Monkey would do such a thing to a building full of fish who had no role in his life except to enlighten and entertain...well, doesn't that sort of PROVE MY POINT about this species? The RACE IS ON to determine whether the perp will be ARRESTED and PROSECUTED, or KILLED and EATEN.

Meet The Asian Carp Czar!

2011-09-22T15:46:00.000-07:00

Well, THE LAUGHTER HAS DIED DOWN since John Goss outlined his ERADICATION PLAN for our

KILLER CARP OPERATIVES

who are cheerfully taking over the freshwater arteries of North America as I type this.

NOW IT'S TIME TO GET DOWN TO BUSINESS, and I'm happy to report that the initial meetings have gone very well...VERY well. Let's just say that if Carp had pockets, this guy would be tucked neatly inside them. Good, good times, I tell you. Honestly, I would have pegged him more as a Snakehead man, being so close to the nation's nerve center on the Potomac. But HE'LL SERVE OUR NEEDS JUST FINE. Stay tuned!

Yesterday's Bizarre Moment

2011-09-15T05:55:00.001-07:00

OK, I was heading down the road in the watertight car yesterday and what did I see? A bumper sticker with Rosie The Riveter on it, and this legend:

WOMEN UNITE AGAINST ROE!

Now, what could this possibly be about? Who could have anything against fish eggs? And framing it as some sort of women's issue...BORDERS ON THE CREEPY.

Prepare To Be Terrified!

2011-09-15T05:41:00.000-07:00

CLICK HERE for more terrifying Asian Carp Death Attack Footage!

APOLLO 18

2011-09-04T16:47:00.000-07:00

WELL, THIS ONE WAS INTERESTING.

The latest in the seemingly endless succession of currently-popular CINEMA-VERITE PUKEFESTS, just released summer 2011, directed by Gonzalo Lopez-Gallego, takes us with a team of astronauts in old-time Snoopy hats and moon boots to the Lunar surface on a TOTALLY SECRET visit to the moon's South Pole. They have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA why their mission is being kept quiet or what, really, they are even doing up there. IMAGINE THEIR SURPRISE when they find evidence that the Russians have been to this spot first. They soon find out the same thing the Russkies did about this particular piece of airless real estate. WILL ANYONE SURVIVE?

CLIFFIE'S NOTES:

>> I have to say, this was kind of a fun one. For a start, you get a sense of what it's like to float upside-down in a phone booth with two other guys for a week or so.

>> THERE'S NOTHING NOT TO LIKE ABOUT THE MENACE IN THIS MOVIE. I won't spoil it for you, but bear in mind that I'M REVIEWING THE FILM HERE AT CLIFFIE'S NOTES. 'Nuff said?

>> You couldn't call this a flawlessly-executed story. The camera angles are far too dramatic and the cuts are too timely for this film to feel authentic. Often you get the sense that there's an extra guy on board the landing craft, never seen in the course of the movie, with a shoulder-pack camera, wedging himself into the best corner to capture the action on film. The way the astronauts talk is far too 1990s to be in any way convincing. Their mannerisms are just slightly wrong. It's all just...a little...off.

>> I'm sorry to say there are no current plans down at R&D to make something like this happen. Please continue to put any ideas you like the sound of into the Suggestion Box.

But overall, I liked this one. I recommend it.

LORDS OF THE DEEP

2011-09-04T16:26:00.000-07:00

WOW. COLOR ME OFFENDED!

This Roger Corman production (from 1989) left me gasping. I have never seen anything so bizarre, so bass-ackwards, so...WRONG.

OK, here's the deal. It's 2020, and the Earth's resources have been almost entirely consumed by the Naked Apes. They are moving into undersea habitats to "conquer a new frontier;" apparently the land and outer space weren't enough for them. The particular Shaved Monkey Habitrail we are observing in this movie is sponsored by a big corporation called Martel -- a name that conjures up fond images of the other big corporations that regulate the lives of humans, like Wal-Mart, K-Tel, and of course Ronco, the company that brought you the Pocket Fisherman. The crew living in this undersea lab is doing...well, I DON'T KNOW WHAT. Science stuff. I dunno. But the scientist with the blonde ponytail, named Claire, has been monkeying with some spongy goo in a beaker, and when some of it got on her hand early in the movie, it made her go all LSD-like, wackadoo, floaty-woaty, like that.

Next thing we know, a new crew of people sent down to spell the scientific team disappears out of their submersible. A guy they send out to investigate that disappearance, disappears. All there is left in his diving suit is more of the spongy goo. They put the contents of the diving suit in a big fishtank, and it forms up into a smiley Manta Ray with blinky red eyes.

And then Brad Dillman, A MAN WE CAN NORMALLY COUNT ON TO OPEN CHANNELS OF COMMUNICATION BETWEEN THE FISH AND THE HUMANS, starts...killing everyone?

This story makes no sense at all. You CAN read it to mean that Dillman is protecting the papier-mache Manta Rays from human incursion, but WHY WOULD HE? He's clearly a helpless tool of the Martel Corporation in this one. It makes me LONG for the daring, if slightly hung-over, Brad Dillman who faced down the title characters in Piranha. (Before releasing them gleefully into the ocean, heh-heh-heh.) Now there's a movie I can relate to.

I have to say, every tiny detail is baffling, not just the plot. The totally uncool jumpsuits worn by every character, with the girly madras yokes and the matching pink piping and buttons...how did they get so many men to wear those outfits? You can see they weren't getting paid enough to humiliate themselves. Why is an undersea lab full of fishtanks? Why is the talking computer named Trilby?

WHY, OH WHY, DO THE SMILEY MANTAS SAVE THE HUMANS FROM THE UNDERSEA EARTHQUAKE?

I can't recommend this one, ladies. I may have to burn my copy.

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

2011-08-17T14:41:00.000-07:00

DID I EVER LIKE THIS ONE!

You know the story already, if you've ever seen Conquest Of The Planet Of the Apes. Caesar becomes the leader of an oppressed army of Chimpanzees, Orang-Outans and a few select Gorillas. Mayhem ensues! WILL ANYONE SURVIVE?

Cliffie's notes on this spectacular 2011 theatrical release:

>> Ignore the fact that the Shaved Monkeys are being blindsided by the unshaved ones.

>> Ignore the fact that it is only because of the brilliance of the Shaved Monkeys that the unshaved are able to stage a revolution.

>> Ignore the fact that the unshaved monkeys have to develop a humanlike intelligence in order to make anything happen at all.

>> Please, please, PLEASE ignore the way the apes, as they increase in intelligence, start to stand upright a lot more, and please ignore also the way their eyes change color from brown to green to blue. BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT A BLUE-EYED APE IS SMARTER THAN A BROWN-EYED ONE, RIGHT? Oh my dear Cod.

I JUST WANT YOU LADIES TO NOTICE that the apes were already kicking against the pricks from the first frame of the story, and it was the IGNORANCE OF THEIR HAIRLESS CAPTORS that kept the misunderstandings from getting straightened out.

I think the message of this movie is even clearer in this version than it was in the original: IF YOU ARE TOO DAMNED DUMB TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO FIX THIS, WE WILL EVENTUALLY STOOP TO YOUR LEVEL AND EXPLAIN IT TO YOU.

If only they knew it is happening right now!

EMPIRE OF THE ANTS

2011-07-22T05:46:00.000-07:00

NOW, THIS IS A VERY INTERESTING NOVEL, LADIES.

The story is the first installment of a three-volume series penned by Bernard Werber, translated from le francais by Margaret Rocques, and published in the U.S. of A. by Bantam Books. AS FAR AS I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DETERMINE, the others (Le jour des fourmis and La revolution des fourmis) have not yet been translated. STAY TUNED.

Well, IT'S A DELIGHTFUL READ, and rarely have I been so grateful to find a book available in a waterproof format. In this installment, the Ants are minding their usual business, farming mushrooms, milking Aphids, taking war captives, and EXPANDING THEIR OPERATIONS. But they do not realize that they have been under careful study by a Naked Ape named Edmond. In fact, they have no idea that there is such a thing as a Naked Ape. (Ah, sweet innocence!) BUT ALL THAT CHANGES IN DUE TIME.

Of course, this book was written by a Shaved Monkey, and A MAJOR THRUST in the story is about proving whether Ants have ANY REAL INTELLIGENCE. Good old Edmond figures that if he can learn to have a conversation with an Ant, they must be worth bothering with. Sigh! There is even a statement in here the the effect that God created two intelligent species on our planet to see which would progress better. You know, like a contest. Because NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT TO THE SHAVED MONKEYS THAN COMPETITION. YEAH, SKIPPY; IT'S ALL ABOUT YOUR EGO.

LEAVE IT TO A SHAVED MONKEY TO COME UP WITH THAT ONE.

Never mind -- this is a fun and fabulous exploration of how A VERY DIFFERENT CONSPIRACY OPERATES. Most -- not all -- of the story is based on methodical observation of Ant lives and, while much of the interpretation of same is MONKEY SPINACH, a lot of is is also correct. I highly recommend it.

Happy Anniversary, Mary Jo!

2011-07-18T14:17:00.000-07:00

IT SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY that Mary Jo Kopechne successfully engineered one of the most DAREDEVIL final transformations ever. If you think it's tricky to transform yourself into a fish and disappear in the middle of the burning sands of the Gobi, at mid-day, so none of the humans around you suspects you haven't died of athlete's foot -- WELL, THAT'S NOTHING COMPARED TO THIS STUNT. Our stalwart Capitol Hill plant managed to maneuver herself into Poucha Pond while spiriting the driver, Senator Ted Kennedy, out of the car safe and sound, with THE STOOPIDEST COVER STORY EVER. In fact it was SO dumb that nobody ever asked the 64 dollar question:

WHAT IF MARY JO SWAM OUT OF HER OWN MOUTH AND MADE HER ESCAPE THROUGH THE OPEN WINDOW IN THE FORM OF A CODFISH?

Good times, I tell you -- good times. THEY NEVER SUSPECTED A THING.

And why do I feel free to post this information on the Internet? BECAUSE NOBODY UP ON DRY LAND WOULD BELIEVE IT IN A MILLION YEARS. BY WHICH TIME IT WILL BE WAAAAAAAAAY TOO LATE.

Jellyfish Operations Uncovered By Naked Apes

2011-07-18T14:06:00.000-07:00

Naked Ape attempts to fool himself that he knows what this operative is about

This Robert Condon character is turning into a real Anchorworm. He appears to have figured out how the Jellyfish working for our glorious Cause ate TAKING OVER. I quote:

"[Jellyfish] are eating a lot of the food web, and turning it into a gelatinous biomass."

DON'T GET THE IDEA THAT HEADQUARTERS IS WORRIED ABOUT THIS DISCOVERY. THERE IS NOTHING THEY CAN DO TO STOP US. FOOLS.

Recruiting Tool -- Or Bane Of the Conspiracy?

2011-07-15T14:55:00.000-07:00

Yes, you heard me right...LOBSTER ICE CREAM.

The website for Ben & Bill's Chocolate Emporium describes the frosty confection as "a butter-flavored ice cream," with chopped operatives added. I gather it is quite popular. I guess ANY METHOD of introducing shellfish DNA into the Naked Apes is PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT. But...

I don't know, ladies. I just don't know.

Meet The Seabreacher X!

2011-07-15T08:25:00.000-07:00

I have to say, THIS IS VERY CUTE. It's an innovation in personal submarines, allowing naked Apes to drive on the surface, drive UNDERNEATH the surface or, as you can see from the photo, launch themselves out of the water like springtailed Sharks. It's a two-seater, by the way.

Of course, this is VERY likely to promotoe PISCTORIAL LOVE if it catches on.

BUT YOU CAN SEE MY QUIBBLE WITH THIS, RIGHT? The driver is WARM AND DRY, and NO CLOSER TO BEING A FISH THAN BEFORE.

The other problem? The dang thing costs $81,000 American. We have far too many rich idjits recruited already. Scrod only knows what we're going to do with the ones we have now!

EQUINOX

2011-07-02T13:23:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to attempt a complete review of this film. It's far too human-focused and NOT PISCATORIAL ENOUGH. (It's a 1970 release directed by Dennis Muren and Jack Woods.)

I do, however, want to point out that the character in this story on which the entire story hinges is a college professor named WATERMAN. (Charmingly, he was played by sci-fi and horror writer Fritz Leiber.)

The kids who go to meet with the good doctor COME TO GRIEF, but not before they see the professor try to cross a stream, slip on a wet rock, and bafflingly DIE. They turn their backs on him for a minute, and when they go back to check on him again, he's DISAPPEARED.

I daresay it was unintentional, but I HARDLY NEED TO POINT OUT the similarity to the rather abrupt transitions our operatives used to make from Naked Ape to fish. It really takes me back, you know? The operative would get a little too close to the water and, BOINK, gone without a trace. The Shaved Monkey rescue services would JUST ABOUT GO CRAZY trying to recover the body, but like as not the "missing person" was right there in plain view, laughing at them in the form of a Minnow or Snapping Turtle.

And what's even funnier is the timing of this picture. The last time I saw people hiking through the woods in beehive hair and stirrup pants was just about the time we changed over to the newer method of changing over slowly.

IT'S ALMOST AS IF THEY KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON!

Another Disturbing Dream!

2011-07-02T13:10:00.000-07:00

THIS TIME, not only was I human again, but I was lying in bed in the room I slept in when I was still a Shaved Monkey travel agent.

I looked down at myself, and the bedspread had turned into lawn grass. Tucked into the grass was an ENORMOUS Scorpion -- crusty gray, as if she had a soap-scum problem or was about to molt, with claws out to THERE and the business end, the stinger, concealed in the grass. The photo above is not of the same species -- far too dainty and slender. I chose this image off Google because of the pink-tipped claws; the pink tips on the immense, bunched claws were the only color on the specimen in bed with me. This was a thick-shelled customer, almost like the larger and tougher Crab species, seemingly designed to pry open cans judging by the muscular build. The whole business must have been a foot and a half long.

Then I spotted another one, the same color but much smaller, tailless and stingless, with a very different shape, almost like a long-legged Trilobite with a segmented body. No pink tips here, and claws the right size for capturing small prey.

I remember thinking, "I'LL HAVE TO BE VERY CAREFUL IF I TURN OVER."

My thoughts are:

>> Scorpions were originally an aquatic species.

>> Scorpio is still a water sign.

>> The larger Scorpion was distinctly Crablike.

Beyond that, I'M JUST NOT SURE WHAT THIS MEANS.

And As I was Typing That Last Cliffie's Note...

2011-06-19T15:20:00.000-07:00

...NPR announced an upcoming series on their morning shows for this week, "All Things Considered" and "Morning Edition," called "SWIMMING UPSTREAM." That turns out to be JUST WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE: stories of PISCATORIAL LOVE. They mentioned a woman who gave up her day job to SELL FISH, and a man so good at his commercial-fishery career that the fish seem to COME TO HIM.

BE SURE TO TUNE IN!

Just Heard This On NPR!

2011-06-19T14:02:00.001-07:00

I HAD TO LOG ON IMMEDIATELY to share this news with you. It appears that some Shaved Monkey theoretician has actually FIGURED OUT why humans learned to speak. The newscaster said that the usual belief system (or as I call it, B.S.) around human speech has concerned the primal need to IMPROVE THEIR SPECIES' CHANCE AT SURVIVAL.

(He did not point out the obvious: the usual logic is bass-ackward. You don't develop a new ability so that something good will eventually happen to you. The fact is, you develop a new ability, and if later on it turns out that it helps you survive, great. Ambulocetus took to the water because it was NICE AND COOL ON HOT DAYS, and the rest is history. Saying that humans developed speech to improve their chances at survival is like saying that an ancient Tree Hyrax learned to swim so that one day her descendants could perform at Sea World.)

Well, someone has actually realized that speech was originally developed in order to WIN ARGUMENTS. NEVER FORGET, ladies, that humans are nothing but STATUS MONKEYS. Nothing else matters to them but how they look to the other monkeys. NOTHING. Every artifact of their (chuckle) civilization is about making themselves look good. That's why they built the Sphinx, the Apollo space probes, and the Pentagon. It's why they sweat it out in their off hours, trying to write the Great American Novel. It's why they get into bar fights. In fact, the Guiness Book Of Records was originally compiled in order to settle arguments in a bar without the fisticuffs. Because these stoopid arguments between the Naked Apes are SO IMPORTANT to them that they routinely kill each other over them. I heard about one not too long ago, in which one Naked Ape squoze another such Ape's neck between his thighs until his foe was dead...over a disputed chess game. This is what we're up against, ladies. EVERYTHING in human society boils down to arguments between Shaved Monkeys.

It's a little ironic to MOI that this insight will almost cetainly go unnoticed. Even if they see the usefulness of this realization, and apply it in a positive direction, well, IT'S TOO LATE. The sun os going to explode next year, remember? Ask any deceased Mayan. And if the sun doesn't explode? WE ARE ON THE JOB.

Last Night I Dreamed I Was Human Again...

2011-06-18T09:44:00.000-07:00

...IT WAS TERRIBLE.

I was looking at a small fishtank I had emptied along time ago, of what I thought was its only occupant, a deceased Siamese Fighting Fish. I had never cleaned the tank out, however, and now I saw with surprise that there was SOMEONE STILL IN THERE. It was a tiny, brilliant-green Eel, looking at me very knowingly.

WELL, I GOT HIM OUT OF THERE ALL RIGHT, but then the scene shifted and my one, tiny, green Eel -- who really looked more like a tree snake, if you ask me -- was suddenly a GREAT BIG BAG OF BROWN EELS. Being human, I had NO IDEA WHAT TO DO and spent the rest of the dream trying to deposit them somewhere safely. They were really dang large, and they never stopped trying to get loose and seek their fortunes elsewhere.

If I had been myself in the dream, I would have known to LET THEM GO. Eels certainly know what they are doing and how to get where they need to go WITHOUT HUMAN ASSISTANCE.

Humans go on and on about how smart they are, but whenever I dream that I still am one, I go all STUPID.

THE LAUGHING GORILLA

2011-06-18T09:04:00.001-07:00

WELL, THIS WAS A FUN READ!

The book came out in 2009 or so originally, but JUST HIT THE PAPERBACK STANDS. The author is Robert Graysmith, the publisher is Berkley True Crime, and the page count is 374, counting the index.

WHAT CRACKS ME UP is the way Graysmith pits clear-eyed, long-suffering human cops against criminals, and constantly describes those criminals in simian terms -- this one had unnaturally long arms, like a Gorilla's. That one had no visible neck, like an unimproved ape's. A third had short legs and a big, hulking torso that reminded onlookers of an Orangutan.

The ones depicted as humans are out busting crime. The ones compared to apes are out cracking safes, strangling unarmed women and slashing strangers to death with straight razors.

I GUESS HE JUST DOESN'T GET IT.

Let me fill you in, there, Bob: EVERY CHARACTER IN THE BOOK IS AN APE.

AND SO ARE YOU, MR. GRAYSMITH.

Does he really think there is some identifiable difference between a human who commits crimes and a human who solves them? I THINK HE REALLY DOES. The joke is on him: YOU ALL LOOK ALIKE TO US, MR. GRAYSMITH.

At one point he quotes someone's scholarly book on Gorillas, saying that Gorllas make about 30 different sounds, but laughter is not in their repetoire. OH YES, THEY DO LAUGH, MR. GRAYSMITH. THEY ARE LAUGHING AT YOU.

(And I am laughing, too, with my squamous, water-breathing friends.)

READ THIS ONE, LADIES. It's QUITE AN EDUCATION on the PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS among the Shaved Monkeys. Maybe it will help you new recruits understand why we want to TURN THEM ALL INTO FISH.

A FISH CAUGHT IN TIME

2011-05-05T11:38:00.000-07:00

What can I say, except WOW!

This INCREDIBLE READ (published in 2001 by Harper Perennial) is an incredible testament to the power of PISCATORIAL LOVE. As usual with our VERY BEST RECRUITING EFFORTS, this all went down as a CAREFULLY-MANAGED PROJECT that was indistinguishable -- in the eyes of a Shaved Monkey -- from a series of ASTOUNDING COINCIDENCES.

FIRST, Captain Goosen "just happened" to give Marjorie Courtenay-Latimer a call, right before Squidmas of 1938. She was originally planning to TAKE A PASS, but she decided to drop by his boat and see what he'd caught that day.

THEN, she JUST HAPPENED to uncover our Coelacanth operative, largely concealed under a pile of Sharks on Goosen's forecastle. Goosen commented, Oh yeah, I MEANT to tell you about that one. Kind of unusual, eh, Marge?

It JUST SO HAPPENED that Courtenay-Latimer had a childhood trauma about FOSSIL FISH involving a cruel nun. That got her thinking harder about WHAT SORT OF FISH THIS MIGHT BE. She looked it up and there it was...OLDER THAN FLOWERING PLANTS, BUT STILL ALIVE AND FLAPPING.

IT JUST SO HAPPENED that Courtenay-Latimer knew an eminent amateur fishologist, J.L.B. Smith, and she cabled him about the find.

From there, the avalanche was UNSTOPPABLE. The book describes the mighty Coelacanth lying in state as THE ENTIRE STATE OF CONNECTICUT files past in awe, with a police officer directing foot traffic as tears stream down his face. We see Dr. Smith PRACTICALLY KILLING HIMSELF to find and study another, then another and yet another Coaelacanth. We can almost FEEL THE SHOCK WAVES as another species of Coelacanth is found in another ocean.

They even quoted a German schoolchild who, when asked why life was still worth living, said simply "Coelacanths still exist."

And now HERE WE ARE, halfway to our goal!

I can think of no better way to end this book review than to quote J.L.B. Smith. These are WORDS I LIVE BY, EVERY DAY:

"We have in the past assumed that we have mastery not only of the land but of the sea. We have not. Life goes on there just as it did from the beginning. Man's influence as yet is but a passing shadow."

Large-Scale Shrimp Farming In Michigan!?

2011-04-09T14:24:00.000-07:00

I COULDN'T BELIEVE MY EYES when I saw this story on the front page of the Detroit Free Press. That guy who's been quietly farming Shrimp in Okemos, MI, for years is trying to scare up a few financial angels to set up a MUCH BIGGER FARM. The idea is to make OUR EXOSKELETAL OPERATIVES into the next big industry in Michigan. This will cost a mere 10 million dollars, American.

The article compares the projected SHRIMP HQ to Ford's Rouge Plant, with a few minor differences. For one thing, the thing will be non-polluting; it will put Michiganders to work instead of LAYING THEM OFF; and to my knowledge (you may be sure we have been watching) there has never been a SHRIMP FARM EXPLOSION, even a small one. If you don't remember the lethal explosion at the Rouge Plant in February of 1999, that's just as well. LIVE by internal combustion, DIE by internal combustion. That's what I always say. No, I don't. Just kidding.

Most importantly, if he can swing this project, it will bring MILLIONS of our operatives into contact with the Shaved Monkeys.

DOES ANYONE HAVE TEN MILLION BUCKS TO PROMOTE THE CAUSE? Again, I'm only kidding. We can't risk the exposure. It's a pity, really...

ANIMALS OF THE OCEAN, IN PARTICULAR THE GIANT SQUID

2011-03-24T14:34:00.001-07:00

WOW. Just...WOW.

This incredible resource was written by Dr. Doris (and Mr.) Haggis-On-Whey. Published in 2006 by McSweeney's, LONG MAY THEY WAVE.

This is an incredible testament to the DEEP, SECRET LONGING of every human being to truly understand the Giant Squid. The Haggises-On-Whey make a determined stab at it, AND FAIL. What chokes me up JUST A LITTLE is how hard they tried...and HOW WELL WE SUCCEEDED AT HIDING OUR SECRETS.

In here you will find:

>> Squid dating tips.

>> Squid fashions.

>> Squid physiology, INCLUDING an accurate view of what you, as a human reader, will last see as you are being drawn down into the alimentary canal of an ocean animal.

>> Much, much more. So much more. I can hardly begin to tell you how much more.

This book was meant to be read to the little ones on Squidmas Eve in front of a roaring fire, with the snow pattering down gently outside.

JUST BUY IT, OK?

100 WEIRD WAYS TO CATCH FISH

2011-03-24T14:22:00.000-07:00

I just finished this one up. Written by John Waldman, published fairly recently (but I forget the year) by Stackpole Books.

WHAT CAN I SAY? This is an INCREDIBLY TOUCHING TESTAMENT to the determination of Shaved Monkeys around the world to FIND THEIR WAY BACK TO US. If you're still sufficiently human in structure and function to be able to shed tears, HAVE FOUR HANKIES READY WHEN YOU READ THIS ONE.

I like the respect the author shows for the different types of fish around the world, and the GREAT INGENUITY needed to capture and eat them. He also shows proper respect for the many fish around the world who are more than willing to return the favor, by KILLING and EATING him. What's not to like about that?

My only quibble with the book is that Waldman could have fit MANY MORE TECHNIQUES into this book if he had combined all the different spearfishing methods into one entry. That's OK, though...I don't want him revealing TOO MANY SECRETS to his readers.

Recruiting Numbers Still Incomplete In Miyagi Prefecture

2011-03-24T14:12:00.000-07:00

One thing I can tell you for sure...this is ONE OF THE MOST SUCCESSFUL RECRUITING DRIVES in recent history. The 2011 earthquake, tsunami and radiation leak makes Hurricane Katrina look KIND OF EMBARRASSING, frankly.

The last numbers reported by the "Homo saps" indicates that about 18,000 recruits have already entered the sea forever. WE HAVE BETTER NUMBERS, but of course we are holding out on the final report until everyone has actually arrived. The Japanese have a way of surprising you -- at least they surprise me, because I have been recruiting all my life in the Midwest where the Naked Apes are terrified of the water. The Japanese fear VERY LITTLE, especially when it comes to the ocean.

WELCOME HOME, EVERYONE!

Funny Little Recruiting Datum -- NOT A Security Leak

2011-02-26T13:50:00.000-08:00

One of my Manoogian Mansion operatives -- aka my personal staff here at HQ -- came across this scrap of hilarity in a wildly popular book called Freakanomics by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner, copyrighted 2005 to the co-authors and put out in 2009 by Harper Perennial. There is a whole chapter in there on how Naked Apes decide to name their cubs. You guessed it, IT'S ALL ABOUT STATUS AS USUAL.

...Back to my point. On page 203, after exclaiming over the baffling meteoric rise of the name "Madison" for females, they put in a footnote to the effect that it "almost certainly" came about because of the 1984 romantic comedy Splash. I HARDLY NEED TO REMIND YOU that Daryl Hannah's interpretation of the Madison role, WHILE RATHER INSULTING, brought us in an incredible number of recruits in the mid-Eighties and continues to do so today. And once again, let me say: NICE WORK, EVERYONE.

WHAT SURPRISES ME is that these two guys would notice! Anal and overly focused on details they are, and apparently they even get paid for this, but sheesh.

And let me just pass on to you that the copy of Sirena, read and reviewed for you here at the Notes by Your Truly, was loaned to me by a Mermaid fanatic named...Madison. Born in the mid-1980s. Yep.

Says here this book has been translated into 35 languages. The information is right there on the page for all to see. BUT DO THEY EVEN SUSPECT WE HAVE THEM SURROUNDED?

Yikes!

2011-02-11T15:07:00.001-08:00

Says here that a story told over dinner was the original source of the classic film of piscatorial love, Creature From The Black Lagoon. I got this from Jennifer Osborne's book Monsters: A Celebration Of the Classics From Universal Studios. Copyright 2006, Del Rey. It looks like someone spilled the beans about our Amazon Boto operatives LONG before Sy Montgomery published Journey Of the Pink Dolphins. Someone told Wiliam Alland at Orson Welles's place, and next thing you know there's a treatment written up and THEN they find out Ricou Browning can hold his breath for five whole minutes and next thing -- cinema magic.

So we offed Sy Montgomery for nothing! I blush.

(But I hear she was quite tasty.)

Quote Of The Day

2011-02-11T15:04:00.000-08:00

Who hears the fishes when they cry?

(Thoreau)

Terrific New Blog!

2011-02-08T08:28:00.000-08:00

Click here: and Let's hope it lasts!

EDDY DECO'S LAST CAPER: AN ILLUSTRATED MYSTERY

2011-02-01T15:45:00.000-08:00

DROP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND READ THIS ONE!

Gahan Wilson wrote and illustrated this marvel of PISCATORIAL LOVE and published it in 1987 through Random House. It's worth owning in hardcover.

The story is a Forties noir mystery with a hard-boiled private eye, Eddy Deco, being drawn DEEPER AND DEEPER into a WEB OF INTRIGUE that involves...People with tentacles? YES, it's true, and the best part is, NO SECRET OF THE REAL CONSPIRACY WE'RE RUNNING IS REVEALED AT ANY POINT. You have to like that.

There are a lot of other things to like:

>> The illustrations don't just show you what the characters and rooms look like; they often replace dialogue and exposition.

>> The story is full of sly little references to Piscatorial Love, like the name of the flophouse Deco visits in the course of solving his case -- the Hotel Gilman.

>> The story makes clear that ALL HUMAN ACTIVITIES ARE UNDER SURVEILLANCE BY OUR OPERATIVES. On page 37, Mr. Gross says to Deco, "We've been amused, highly amused, by watching you at it through the years." Heh.

>> The Forties-style dialogue is a scream.

>> Eddy has all the information he needs RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM at all times, but he never puts it together until ALL FISHY HELL IS BREAKING LOOSE.

>> The climax of the story is SO VERY WORTH THE WAIT.

This is an ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC BOOK. JUST READ IT, WILL YOU?

"MY BLUE HEAVEN"

2011-01-09T08:38:00.000-08:00

This essay on the glories of the Blue Crab, by Julia Reed and collected in Cornbread Nation 1, is EXACTLY WHAT I LIKE TO SEE, LADIES. I want you to obtain copies and STUDY UP on the author's technique. This is on pages 123-125, in the first volume of the series, copyrighted 2002 to the Southern Foodways Alliance.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES:

>> Reed (herself named after an aquatic plant -- nice touch!) paints a picture of the operative as a GLOBE-SPANNING MONARCH that converts hapless humans effortlessly, even when that operative has been eviscerated, dismembered and packed in those little flat cans. IT'S ONLY THE TRUTH. But not everyone manages to capture the effect this well in words, a Shaved Monkey invention that normally does not serve the Fish Conspiracy all that well.

>> Reed -- like the Crabs themselves -- brings together some VERY UNLIKELY BEDFELLOWS in discussing the Blue Crab's recruiting operations. James Beard, a cook and food writer, found himself combined with Italian opera, the Smithsonian Institute, a place called the Central Grocery in New Orleans and the author's own kitchen nook -- ALL CLAIMED BY THE BLUE CRAB AS CONQUERED TERRITORY. Nice, nice work. AND IT'S ALL TRUE.

>> I want you all to pay SPECIAL ATTENTION to the cameo appearance by now-deceased monkey tenor Enrico Caruso. "When the Metropolitan Opera company played that city in 1904, [he] kept ordering the [Crab] salad until none was left in the kitchen." Is that a heartwarming image of unstinting devotion to the Crab cause, or what?

>> The author also zooms in nicely on the Crab devotions at Galatoire's, a hoary and redoubtable New Orleans restaurant. Apparently they will STOP AT NOTHING to insinuate morsels of Crab into your meal at this joint. Here, truly, is an inspiring sample of how CRABS CAN GET INTO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING.

Let me finish with a comment from the author herself:

"In fish stores, the best of what the Blue Crab has to offer...is marked "jumbo lump," but it should be labeled "food of the gods."

100,000 Operatives Killed In Arkansas

2011-01-05T08:14:00.000-08:00

The hapless Naked Ape posing with operative Lacey Tamm (formerly of Sioux City, Iowa before her conversion to fish-hood) does not suspect that HE WILL BE THE NEXT ONE TO GROW FINS .

Looks like a rough day for Arkansas operatives, BUT IT REALLY ISN'T. The Drum operatives working out of the Arkansas River CHEERFULLY SACRIFICED THEMSELVES TO THE CAUSE. It was time for more fully-aquatic operatives to enter the ROILING INTESTINE OF DAGON, so we can make room for ANOTHER LARGE KILL-OFF, I MEANT RECUITMENT DRIVE, OF HUMANS.

How can that be bad?

The coincidence of the thousands of Redwinged Blackbirds who died under mysterious circumstances, and quite nearby, on New Year's Eve may or may not be a similar phenomenon. I have to admit it is FAINTLY ALARMING that we have been unable to contact our sister Bird Conspiracy Zone Leader since the disaster. If it is a disaster. We will keep you posted.

Secrets Of Killer Crab, Lobster And Shrimp Operatives Appear Safe, For The Nonce

2010-12-27T16:19:00.000-08:00

I decided to do one of my impromptu online surveys to see what the Monkey Salesmen are asking for books about OUR OPERATIVES. I also wanted to see what sort of titles were available. The results have been quite encouraging. I typed "CRUSTACEAN" into the search box at Amazon.com and look what I found:

In The Wrong Place: Alien Marine Crustaceans by Galil, Clark & Carlton: $190.42, MARKED DOWN from $229! I wish I could see the looks on their rubbery monkey faces if we filled those pages with the TRUE facts about WHOM we are infiltrating, and WHERE. What happened to that big smile, Monkey?

Chemical Communication In Crustaceans by Breithaupt & Thiel: $255.83, MARKED DOWN from $279! And the priced-to-download Kindle edition? $223.20!

Reproductive Biology Of Crustaceans: Case Studies Of Decapod Crustaceans by Elena Mente: $129.95! Used copies available starting at only $96.99! You're going to love the eyestalk-popping erotic photo of the blue Lobsters on the front cover. Bring that one home in a plain brown wrapper!

The CRC Handbook Of Mariculture, Volume I: Crustacean Aquaculture, by would-be Crab terrorist James McVey, only $305.91!

The World Market For Extracts And Juices of Meat, Fish, Crustaceans, Mollusks, And Aquatic Invertebrates: A 2009 Global Trade Perspective by the Icon Group: Only $595!!! Someone pass me a Clamato cocktail, NOW!

Crustaceans And The Biodiversity Crisis: Proceedings Of The Fourth International Crustacean Congress, Amsterdam, by Frederick Schram and J.C. Von Vaupel, in the deluxe library binding, a bargain at $409! WE WERE THERE, ALL RIGHT. AND VON VAUPEL NEVER SPOTTED US! It makes me laugh when I think about the way they are meeting to make plans for us without our knowledge, when in fact only a handful of the attendees are human!

The World Market For Fresh Or Chilled Crustaceans Including Flours, Meals And Pellets Thereof For Human Consumption: A 2009 Global Trade Perspective, again by the Icon Group, and once again priced to own at only $595! There is something about fish flour that makes me get all swoony when I think about it.

The Crustacean Nervous System by a feller named Konrad Wiese, for the sofa-change price of $399. HOW CAN YOU TURN THAT DOWN?

The World Market For Animal Feed Made From Fish, Crustaceans, Mollusks, Or Aquatic Invertebrates: A 2009 Global Trade Perspective, by our old buddies down at the Icon Group and priced to sell at $595!

Advances In Decapod Crustacean Research by Paula, Flores and Fransen, the hardcover priced at a tempting $155 (used copies starting at $178.79 -- ???), the paperback nearly as irresistable at $123.28, marked down from $155...OK, I don't get the prices on this title at all.

Now, this title may be the best of them all. Are you ready?

The World Market For Products Of Fish, Crustacean, Mollusk, Or Aquatic Invertebrate Products That Are Unfit For Humans To Eat: brought to your electronic shopping cart by YOU KNOW WHO for the fire-sale price of only $595!!! When I look at this title -- I have done it twenty-three times so far -- it always makes me smile, because you and I know THE HUMANS WILL EAT EVERY BITE. AND THEY WILL LIKE IT.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON THIS HAPHAZARD, INSTY-KWIK COLLECTION OF TITLES:

>> At a glance you can see that these books are PACKED with information about us. INFORMATION THAT NOBODY BUT A HANDFUL OF ULTRASPECIALIZED MEGA-NERDS IS EVER GOING TO READ. AND A FRACTION OF THOSE WILL EVER KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF IT.

>> And you know about this sort: THEY WON'T MENTION THEIR INSIGHTS TO ANYONE.

>> There is EVEN MORE information in here about the agendas and plans of the authors and their hilarious schemes to control our operatives. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. WE ARE CALLING ALL THE SHOTS.

>> Do they really imagine that CRABS CAN'T READ?

>> These prices are seriously geared to keep the curious far, far away from the books. Heck, so is the stilted scientifical-type language of the text. Some of these babies are better than ANY SLEEPING PILL ON THE MARKET.

>> Oh, this is too good not to mention. One of the authors listed above met three of our operatives last week in a dark corner of a fern bar in Smolensk. That gentleman was KILLED. And EATEN. No, I'm not posting the name on the Internet. An accurate replacement has already stepped smoothly into the discarded life of that happy recruit, who squelches EVEN NOW in the Roiling Intestine of Dagon. Is there any happier fate for a human?

Thought For The Day

2010-12-25T08:41:00.001-08:00

New High-Yielding Oyster "Breakthrough"

2010-12-22T08:45:00.000-08:00

I have been fielding calls and letters about this one ever since a Dec 14th article in the online fish newspaper, The Underwater Times, announced the development of a spectacular "double-hybrid" Oyster that is supposed to grow TWICE AS FAST as the others, increasing yields and potentially pushing many of our sisters OUT OF BUSINESS as recruiters.

I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL ABOUT THIS.

CLIFFIE'S PRO POINTS:

>> More Oysters on the market means MORE RECRUITMENT, period. How can that be bad?

>> Bigger, healthier Oysters means BETTER RECRUITING -- potentially fewer "near misses." I HAVE BEEN A RECRUITER MYSELF AND KNOW HOW INFURIATING THOSE CAN BE. And let's be real -- "the one that got away" is MUCH MORE IMPORTANT to us, the fishers of men, than it could ever be to the fools who think they are the ones catching US on a baited hook.

>> I don't know, but LIKE TO THINK that more Oysters on the market means MORE OYSTER BARS. These temples of self-sacrifice -- built and maintained in the name of bringing humans and fish together -- need to proliferate like the Rats in Detroit. I am not going to insert a joke here about the shellfishness or unshellfishness of our operatives in going, screaming and amputated, down the gullets of those we mean to recruit. Because that would be stupid.

CLIFFIE'S CONS:

>> I TOTALLY AGREE with everyone's concerns about the marginalization of other Oysters. WE ALL WANT A SHOT AT COMBINING OUR GENES WITH THOSE OF AN UNSUSPECTING NAKED APE. Not to mention the small matter of genetic diversity, something humans manage to overlook constantly. Maybe we can start a counteroffensive along the lines of those rebel farmers and gardeners keeping alive the old breeds of cattle and chickens, along with the wild & native species and old flower hybrids. It's something to discuss in the chapter meetings.

>> I don't need to point out, do I, that these "greatly improved double hybrids" are likely to look, taste and smell like something you'd order out of a clown's mouth and pick up at a drive-thru window? We all know what an "improved hybrid" means in any other species. THIS MUST NOT HAPPEN, LADIES.

>> I HATE IT AS MUCH AS YOU DO that this development stands to promote Monkey business. We want their industry, banks and cities to WITHER AWAY. Look at all the progress we've made, again, in Detroit! WE WANT THIS TREND TO CONTINUE.

My suggestion is that everyone get out their copies of Consider The Oyster for some devotional reading. In order to focus everyone's energies properly, this week's chapter meeting supper menu, THROUGHOUT THE NORTH AMERICAN RECRUITMENT ZONE, will have Hang Town Fry as its centerpiece.

ALTITUDE

2010-12-18T16:41:00.000-08:00

WHAT A WONDERFUL SQUIDMAS MOVIE THIS IS!!!

It was released in 2010, to less-than-thundering reviews, but I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY. You will NOT find a better movie to put you in the mood for the holiday season. You can find it RIGHT NOW at your local video outlet. Don't rent it. BUY IT.

PLOT SUMMARY: The usual collection of irritating, slightly inebriated twentysomethings rent a plane to go to a concert. One of them is a newly-minted pilot, and obviously she has money falling out of every bodily orifice, because how many twentysomethings can you name who can afford to rent a plane for the weekend on top of paying for concert tickets, huh? The others -- who also radiate privilege in their polo shirts and highlighted hair -- are pretty nervous about flying with her, but she assures them repeatedly that everything is under control. They are just starting to settle down and enjoy themselves when BAD THINGS START HAPPENING. Not just a few bad things, either.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON THIS HEARTWARMING FEATURE:

>> More negative events you will never see in ANY movie I can think of, not even The Perfect Storm. Whatever happened on board the Andrea Gail in her last hours above the surface of the ocean, at least there were unlikely to be any incidents of bad guitar playing, ODs on Dramamine, malicious destruction of rare comic books or traumatic childhood flashbacks. You got all these and MUCH, MUCH MORE in Altitude. Including a GIANT FLYING SQUID. That's what I said.

>> The pace never lets up in this film! One bad thing happens, then a new bad thing, then another, and a whole new bad thing happens after THAT, and just as you're about to forget the first two bad things that happened, they swim up and bite you in the adze again. Then something new happens that's worse than everything that came before. The whole story goes like this, but somehow it never gets laughable. I kept waiting for it to get all stoopid-ridonkulous, like Final Destination, but it never happened. NOT TOO SHABBY.

>> The characters are so irritating that whenever one of them comes to a bad end, YOU FEEL ALL WARM AND HAPPY INSIDE. Then you turn eagerly to see what befalls the survivors.

>> The interpersonal dynamics are remarkably complex for a movie of this sort, even though every character is virtually a cardboard cutout. I never lost interest in the character development for a second. Who knew a cardboard cutout COULD develop?

>> Freudians take note: Is this GIANT FLYING SQUID, or is he not, the perfect image of the vagina dentata? Maybe I should stop referring to the star of the show as "he." Heh.

>> I loved the unfolding explanation for everything that happened, and I even loved the sappy, soft-focus ending. BECAUSE I KNEW THAT GIANT FLYING SQUID WAS WAITING IN THE WINGS until after the end credits rolled. The forces of PISCATORIAL LOVE that called him forth in the first place ARE STILL RIGHT THERE, and our tentacled friend will inevitably come a-callin'...

>> I love the uncertainty we maintain thoughout the movie. What makes the GIANT FLYING SQUID appear when he does? When he goes, where does he go? Where, exactly, is the plane while all this is going on? Just how long can you fly a plane blind, in a series of uncontrolled ascents and then steep plunges, before you finally hit something? Just how long can the plane fly WITHOUT GAS? How much longer will the pilot abandon the joystick to argue about her childhood issues with her boyfriend? No matter how many answers you get, the questions just keep coming, AND ALL THE ANSWERS SEEM TO DEFY THE LAWS OF PHYSICS.

>> And isn't that what true, pure, piscatorial love is all about? It's as if the Spirit of Squidmas were reaching through the portholes of that embattled little plane, saying, "HAVE NO FEAR -- ALL IS WELL."

>> I hardly need to add that this movie is the perfect, indeed unhoped-for, companion to Dagora, Space Monster. You could make an evening of it -- the kindly tentacles of Santa Squid snaking out of nowhere and ripping away everything you THOUGHT was important. Next thing you know, you're safe in the Roiling Intestine of Dagon...

>> I would watch the Toho feature first, if I were you.

Last-Minute Squidmas Shopping Suggestions

2010-12-13T11:27:00.000-08:00

Give the gift of Sea Monkeys!

Anything you can give that reminds the recipient of Goldfish is a great idea.

Any other kind of toy-like fishy item for the kiddies is good, too, of course. Here's another choice available from the site above.

All things Ray Troll may be found here, INCLUDING all-occasion piscatorial greeting cards.

This is the time of year for Cuttlefish, Cuttlefish, Cuttlefish!

THE DROWNED WORLD

2010-12-13T10:37:00.000-08:00

Here's a little pre-Squidmas reading to get you in a holiday mood...

This little science "fiction" novel originally came out in 1962. My copy was published by Millennium, an imprint of Victor Gollancz, in London. WHAT A DELIGHTFUL READ.

The story is simple. HUMAN CIVILIZATION IS BARELY HANGING ON after a series of solar mishaps and a bit of geological upheaval, plus the melting of ye olde polar ice caps. A few Naked Apes survive, clinging to their monkeyfied customs at Camp Byrd at the North Pole -- the only corner of the planet that still supports human life comfortably.

...AND EVERYWHERE ELSE BELONGS TO US.

The story traces the progress of a biologist named Robert Kerans, who is on a mapping expedition with some sort of military unit. They are far to the south of human territory, paddling above the flooded ruin of a large city which later proves to be London, England. In the manner of Shaved Monkeys everywhere, the uniformed survivors GRASP FOR A SEMBLANCE OF CONTROL, going through the motions of tracking what is going on in territory they can no longer inhabit. They know full well there is NO REASON TO DO SO, but they also feel THERE IS NOTHING ELSE LEFT TO DO.

FOOLS!

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON THE ATTRACTIVE FEATURES OF THIS UTOPIAN FUTURE EPIC:

>> Only about 5 million Naked Apes are alive at this point. That's about twice the population of Detroit, Michigan. HOW SOON CAN WE MAKE THIS HAPPEN??

>> Only about 1 in 10 human marriages now produces children. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU STRIP OFF THE OZONE LAYER, KIDDIES. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

>> It seems not to have occurred to them that they are living in a virtual Garden of Eden, the lost paradise they've been mourning ever since they noticed that they'd destroyed it. In a word full of plentiful, gorgeous fruits and swarming schools of fish, the humans are living out of cans -- bully beef, evaporated milk, that sort of thing. THIS SURVIVAL STRATEGY WILL ONLY KILL THEM OFF SOONER.

>> A few renegade Naked Apes are out freebooting, killing off anyone they don't like the looks of, so they can do stupid stuff like collecting gold-plated statuary from the flooded buildings. The author is quite honest about the pointlessness of this sort of activity. He also implies, without really spelling it out, that this only speeds up the process of RENDERING THE HUMAN RACE EXTINCT.

>> Kerans is in the process of joining a subset of humanity starting to experience strange dreams. They consistently describe these derams as horrifying nightmares requiring treament...but horrifying to WHOM, exactly? Kerans quickly finds out that he is not horrified at all by the dreams, which are clearly the awakening of his PISCATORIAL CONSCIOUSNESS. A quote from page 71: "Kerans felt, beating within him like his own pulse, the powerful mesmeric pull of the baying reptiles, and stepped out into the lake, whose waters now seeemed an extension of his own bloodstream. As the dull pounding rose, he felt the barriers which divided his own cells from the surrounding medium dissolving, and he swam forwards, spreading outwards across the black thudding water..." His fellows, those who are also experiencing the dreams, are losing all interest in Shaved Monkey lifestyles and are GOING OVER THE WALL, one by one, to COMMUNE WITH THE WATER.

>> Know what's missing from this book, though? US. THE FISH. The humans go on and on about how the planet is reverting to the Age of the Reptiles, paying no attention whatsoever to the fact that almost the whole planet is now UNDERWATER, and there is blasted little room for the reptiles, let alone the mammals. WHO DO THEY REALLY THINK IS IN CHARGE, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD? THE EASTER BUNNY? I have to say I'm not entirely unhappy about this. If humans want to blame their destruction on the Iguanas, well, that just keeps us out of their line of sight, right? He does mention Eels towards the end, but he seems to put an equals sign between Eels and snakes. WHATEVER, DUDE. The author never makes the connection between the Eels, who can live easily on both water and land, and the increasingly water-oriented humans. The author's oversight just helps cover up OUR PLANS FOR THE HUMAN RACE.

This one has been out of print for a long time, but your library or used bookstore should have it. Waterproof copies are, alas, at a premium.

FLUKE

2010-11-16T15:16:00.000-08:00

WELL, THIS WAS A FINE ONE!

I have to say I wasn't expecting much. This paperback by Christopher Moore (HarperCollins, 2004) looked at first as if it were going to be MORE OF THE SAME after I read his other one, Lust Lizard Of Melancholy Cove, but was I ever wrong! The story certainly starts out much the same, BUT IT BRANCHES OUT NICELY FROM THERE, BELIEVE ME.

Let me not spoil the story for you. Suffice to say that THIS IS A LEVEL AND TYPE OF CONSPIRACY WORK that I seriously hope they are looking into over in R&D. It's like a MUCH LESS USER-FRIENDLY version of the technology we read about in The Godwhale by the Great Scribe T.J. Bass. And, in fact, some of it is DISTURBINGLY SIMILAR to what we are doing in the here & now. BUT IT'S JUST FICTION, LADIES.

By all means, read this one. It's not to be missed.

An Image For You To Gaze Upon

2010-11-06T16:09:00.000-07:00

LOBSTER BOY

2010-11-06T15:04:00.000-07:00

WELL, THE MYSTERY IS SOLVED.

I couldn't go MYSELF to investigate the question of ACTUAL LOBSTER INVOLVEMENT in the events described in Fred Rosen's book (1995, Kensington Publications). We've just had TOO MUCH COOKING, what with the oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico, in Kalamazoo, Michigan and the other one in Ontario. And let's be honest, the Lobster Boy story is SO OVER WITH. But I sent out some of my crack operatives. Our point woman on this case was an investigative journalist when she was still human -- and she's transformed since into a really outstanding Eel operative, and as such is still entirely amphibious -- to get to the bottom of this story. This one sent shock waves through our community when the book first hit the newsstands, and has continued to generate rumors ever since -- LO, THESE MANY YEARS.

You can all STAND DOWN -- and stop shooting suspicious glances at our Lobster sisters at the chapter meetings. ALL IS WELL. The murder of Grady Stiles, aka Lobster Boy, was 100% Shaved Monkey Business. No Lobsters are implicated in any way. Grady Stiles himself is no more a crustacean than I am -- he is just a funny-looking Naked Ape.

Ladies, you might want to read this to reflect on ALL YOU ARE LEAVING BEHIND when you make the change-over from human to fish. The book captures a typically sordid tale of Shaved Monkey greed and malfeasance.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON THIS SORRY EPISODE IN HUMAN HISTORY:

>> Mr. And Mrs. Stiles deserved each other, if you ask me. He hit her, she left him, she remarried, that guy lost his income, she dumped him and went back to her first husband. Then she bumped him off. FISH OR CUT BAIT, LADY. Sheesh.

>> We never hear that much about Mrs. Stiles other than the facts above. Grady, we learn much more about. HE'S A BIG JERK.

>> The missus even got other people in on the act, as if it were of some benefit to them to bump the guy off. There wasn't, really. While nobody's interior sun appears to have dimmed THAT much on Grady's death, he was a reliable cash cow for the whole family. He was the center of the family's sideshow act (think the Osmonds or the Flying Wallendas, only with missing digits). As a family they provided needed economic stimulus to the impoverished town where the dramatic personae all lived when they weren't on the road.

>> Fred Rosen has published a stack of books JUST LIKE THIS ONE, minus the Lobster angle, listing the behavioral excesses of other members of his species. Reading through them is like wading across a landscape of dead Naked Apes, bumped off for the insurance money, killed by contract, stomped to death in a fit of anger, strangled in the name of a 10-minute sexual release, then stuffed into garbage bags by adults who have not yet been fully housebroken. If Rosen gives you the impression that this is going on everywhere, all the time, all over the world, WELL, THAT'S ENTIRELY CORRECT. The only thing that makes this case stand out is the Lobster claws, which (I hasten to remind you) aren't even the real thing. This is the species that calls US inferior, brutal and amoral. Rosen has picked out a nice livelihood for himself, documenting this sort of behavior. >>shudder<<

>> Imagine KILLING a guy like that and then not EATING him.

>> As near as I could tell, there was no real piscatorial theme in the Styles family sideshow act. There was no attempt to recruit fans into a piscatorial way of life. Not a whiff of brine in their private lives or religious faith (if indeed they had any).

>> The take-home message here for a fish reader: you can reassure yourself that you are NOT LIKE THIS. I came away pretty happy that I am more and more Clarias batrachis, less and less Homo sap.

THE DELUGE

2010-10-26T16:26:00.001-07:00

I loved this one! The author of this 2007 release by Liesure Books, Mark Morris, doesn't diddle around with EXPLAINING anything; he just has someone look out a skyscraper window in London and realize that suddenly THE WHOLE WORLD IS UNDERWATER.

And WHAT NEXT? Drowned bodies everywhere, is what! The world they knew is now a jumble of silty wreckage tangled with filthy, dead shaved monkeys and ALL THE LABELS HAVE WASHED OFF ALL THE CANS. Every meal is pot luck. There's no way to get warm or dry. Bands of bereft bipeds roam the devastated cities, hoping for a meal and some company. The inevitable follows: crazy world takeover attempts, monkeys fighting monkeys, inappropriate sexual contact and MUD, MUD, MUD.

And needless to say this is only the beginning of the challenges facing our survivor-narrators, chosen not because they were immune to a plague or especially plucky or resourceful; they just happened to be on the top floor of a tall building when Dagon called. MORE PROBLEMS ARE COMING UP.

It is to swoon! If I could arrange this myself I'd do it in a heartbeat!

Operative Dies Following "Retirement"

2010-10-26T16:19:00.000-07:00

IT'S TRUE, LADIES -- Paul the Psychic Octopus is IN THE ROILING INTESTINE OF DAGON shortly after "retirement" from the business of predicting the outcomes of human sporting events. WE ALL KNOW that his REAL BUSINESS up on dry land was about recruiting humans to the Cause, and WHAT A JOB HE DID in a short time before being CALLED HOME.

All airstones please observe a moment of silence.

Mind Control Techniques Continue To Improve

2010-10-04T14:16:00.000-07:00

For some reason, these techniques work especially well for Aruanas, Alligator Gars, regular Alligators, and -- as pictured above -- the wily Asiatic Snakehead. Basically, anything long, slender, and LURKING JUST BENEATH THE SURFACE can easily learn to draw the featherless bipeds into the water, helplessly in love with their hypnotists. (For another visual of the same principle, see the visual in the entry immediately before this one. Heh.)

Here we see former housewife and part-time secretary, Doris Belcher, taking over the mind of a human who has NO IDEA that the tank's occupant now virtually OWNS HIS SOUL. (Wait, do humans even have souls? Can someone check on that for me?) He will return to this place AGAIN AND AGAIN until his body is no longer his, either. If Doris moves elsewhere, believe me -- HE WILL FIND HER. At that point he will ENTER THE SEA forever.

I am able to use this photo without fear of a dangerous SECURITY LEAK because we also already have POWER OF ATTORNEY. Doris was no ordinary secretary; she was a LEGAL secretary.

I love this job sometimes!

Go, Lemmings, Go!

2010-10-04T14:12:00.000-07:00

INTO THE SEA WITH YOU! PARADISE AWAITS!

PIRANHA 3-D

2010-09-25T20:07:00.000-07:00

NOW, THIS WAS A GREAT MOVIE.

A far cry from the original Piranha, this was more of an action spectacular, with all manner of drunken college students being PUT TO THE MUNCH by our toothy sisters. WHAT FUN IT ALL WAS:

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON THIS MASTERPIECE OF SUBTLETY:

>> ALL THE NECESSARY ELEMENTS were in place. Richard Dreyfuss on the wrong end of a fishing pole: check. Ridiculous pseudo-scientific explanation for Pirhanas invading a desert lake in the American Southwest: check. Exposition Boy in the form of an elderly pet-store owner who also happens to know the entire paleontological history of the Piranha family and has pertinent fossils to put in front of the camera: check. Local sheriff who knows to ask the owner of the pet store for an explanation: check. Drunken nubiles in bikinis: check.

>> I was told to expect that the Piranhas would be used only as an excuse to nibble off the bikini tops of said drunken college girls. I actually brought a pad and paper to make hash marks, ready to record each time this happened. IT NEVER DID.

>> I was told to expect wild, crazy sexual inappropriateness from certain of the lead females. NEVER HAPPENED.

>> I was told to expect lots of blood. THIS, THEY DELIVERED. Remember the Bradford Dillman original? OF COURSE YOU DO. The modest amount of gore in that old classic was well-placed and well-timed to be shocking. This movie was a regular splattterfest, with kids getting eaten to the bone everywhere you looked. I was getting a little tired of it by the end, to tell you the truth. There was THAT much of it. AND YOU KNOW HOW I LOVE TO SEE HUMANS GETTING EATEN BY FISH.

>> The story didn't let up for a second. No long discussions about inessentials, no big clouts of time wasted on human drama -- there was barely enough story to introduce the fish, and then they let it all rip. Literally. Heh.

>> I LOVED THE FISH! They were extra-gnarly, great big mothers with teeth reaching from here to there and spines everywhere, gill covers flaring like a Cobra's hood, and they moved like greased lightning. They looked so cool, I didn't even care that they were computer-generated cartoons.

>> And what are they doing here? THE EARTH CRACKED OPEN AND THEY JUST SWAM IN, reminiscent of another Bradford Dillman classic, Bug. You remember that one, don't you? OF COURSE YOU DO.

Anyway, I recommend this one. It's a hoot. I think the only person in the story who got recruited PROPERLY was the pet-store owner, but it's always fun to watch drunken teenagers get eaten by fish, right? RIGHT.

PRIVILEGED HANDS

2010-09-25T19:29:00.000-07:00

WELL, I FINALLY GOT TO READ THIS ONE!

This was published by, and copyrighted to, W.H. Freeman and Co., New York, in 1997. The author is Geerat Vermeij, a doctor of SNAILS teaching at the University of California at Davis. I MEANT TO READ THIS RIGHT AFTER IT FIRST CAME OUT, when I spotted it in a catalogue. I misplaced the dang thing and NEVER HEARD ANOTHER WORD ABOUT THIS BOOK from then until now. I just couldn't remember the title. Nothing about the phrase "privileged hands" reminds me of SNAILS.

So, OK, this is the autobiography of Dr. Vermeij, who was in elementary school one day in the Fifties -- not yet a doctor of anything -- when his teacher brought in some SEASHELLS she'd picked up on vacation in Florida. He investigated them in an unguarded moment, and FROM THAT MOMENT ON, knew exactly what he wanted to be: a conchologist. He went right out and did it, too; it only took ABOUT TWENTY MORE YEARS of study, shell collecting, world travel and other minor hassles, like the day he was ~~debriefed~~ bitten by a Moray.

What is supposed to make this story so remarkable is that before he ever entered that kiddie classroom with the seashells sitting on the counter, he was blinded by German measles. Even now, people might assume that any sort of challenging career would be out of the question for him. Vermeij didn't think that way, so he went right ahead. He has been a bit of an advocate for the blind in his own way, without making a big deal out of it. He says in here that he doesn't want to be seen primarily as a blind person. And he isn't. He's primarily a guy who's way, way too focused on Snails.

What HE TOTALLY LEAVES OUT is the REAL MESSAGE of his life: WHEN DAGON CALLS, YOU GOTTA GO. No matter how you slice it apart or wrap it up, this story could only have ended one way. You know I hate to say this, but even a blind man could see it coming. Vermeij didn't choose the shellfish; the shellfish chose him. He describes himself in that classroom, finishing his work before all the other kids and being drawn helplessly towards the shell display. He puts his hands on them...and something happens. His fate is sealed. HOW COOL IS THAT?

One thing I really liked about this story was the way he and his recruiters WORKED TOGETHER on bringing Snail consciousness to the forefront of his life and the lives of others. The (chuckle) scientific community has slowly started to understand -- largely because of this team effort -- the importance of Molluscs in natural selection, and the brutal competition between those ladies and their fellow recruiters, the Crabs. Don't think it was an easy sell. The author himself tells you, again and again, "I should have figured out this point years before, but until that day when I had the Clam in my hands, it just never occuured to me." He wasn't the only one working hard, either. If you think being plucked out of the sea and sizzled out of your shell with a hot needle is easy, TRY IT sometime. One recruiter after another submitted to this treatment in order to GET THE JOB DONE. It's a remarkable effort you rarely get to see from the point of view of the Naked Ape recruit.

Oh, if only he had written this a few years later! He could have called his book The Snail Whisperer.

A Few More Jellyfish Tidbits For You

2010-09-03T05:37:00.000-07:00

It looks as if the havoc wreaked by our most diaphanous and pulsating operatives has finally made Smithsonian! It was in an article in the July/August 2010 issue ("The New King Of The Sea," Abigail Tucker, pgs. 26-35) that I found the items I mentioned in the previous entry, A NOTICE TO ALL NAKED APES that Jellyfish were attacking the infrastructure in Manila and bumming out underwater diamond miners. There were more than a few other delights in there, like the Japanese fishing vessel that capsized and sank while attempting to haul aboard a catch of itty-bitty Nomura's Jellyfish. That is just one of the highlights. SEEK IT OUT AND READ IT.

CLICK HERE to behold the Jellyfish selections from a delightful blog called Pink Tentacle! Click on the tentacle at the top left of the page to see EVERYTHING THEY HAVE TO OFFER. There are a few nice shots of the dreaded Nomuras in that selection.

The Jellyfish recruiting techniques under development in Japan are simply amazing! Has anyone on this continent tried the Jellyfish caramels described at Pink Tentacle? Or the Jellyfish cookies?

Progress Notes On The Revolution

2010-09-02T14:02:00.000-07:00

Pakistan under water -- check!

Jellyfish have successfully sabotaged underwater diamond-mining operations, AND shorted out the electricity for ten minutes at some sort of government meeting in the Philippines -- check!

The 3-D remake of the classic fish-terrorism epic Piranha is running now in your local theater -- check!

30,000 Chinese trapped by flooding only a month ago -- check!

The month before that, 16 Arkansan Naked Apes were drowned in flash floods -- check!

Hurricane Earl is bearing down on the Eastern Seaboard as I write this, with winds of 135 MPH -- check!

These are JUST LITTLE REMINDERS for the Shaved Monkeys -- we will DROWN YOU ALL when we are GOOD AND READY. YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO STOP US.

'RAY FOR OUR SIDE!

Brava, ladies. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

"Johnny Gatorseed" Updates!

2010-09-01T05:57:00.001-07:00

WHAT A GREAT WEEK THIS HAS BEEN FOR THE GATOR INVASION!

Only THREE of our amphibious operatives have been captured -- oddly enough, all of them in the same week. Two Alligators were found in the Chicago river, and one was spotted cooling her heels under a Datsun on a side street in NYC. Much was made of the terrifying size of the two Chi-town operatives (the larger was 3 feet long). They already seem to have forgotten the FIVE-AND-A-HALF-FOOT BEAUTY who turned up a couple of years ago in obscure Lobdell Lake near Flint, Michigan. The new "captures" (chuckle) are now attracting ALL MANNER OF VISITORS, FANS AND NEW RECRUITS awed by their scaly, urban unlikelihood.

OF COURSE THIS IS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG. Many, many other Alligator operatives are moving into position across the Midwest, the Eastern Seaboard, the Deep South of course...WAITING FOR THEIR MOMENT TO STRIKE. This is really just like the Snakehead Operation we are implementing in various freshwater cabals surrounding the spiritual home of what the Naked Apes call the Free World -- Washington, D.C. And, of course, my personal favorite (because THOSE ARE MY PARENTS) -- the Walking Catfish operation in Florida.

THEY SEEM NOT TO UNDERSTAND THAT WE HAVE THE PENTAGON, THE WHITE HOUSE, THE CAPITOL BUILDING AND SEVERAL MAJOR CITIES COMPLETELY SURROUNDED.

FOOLS!

THE LOCH

2010-08-15T13:01:00.000-07:00

WELL, THIS ONE WAS DIFFERENT!

The story was written by your go-to guy for BIG FISH EPICS, Steve Alten, copyrighted 2005 and published by good old Tor Books.

I have to start right out by telling you that I began reading this one, then SET IT ASIDE FOR MONTHS because it was BORING ME TO TEARS. The first 200 or so pages were nothing but BLATHERING about the protagonist's lousy childhood and bleak romantic and job prospects. Tell you what, the closer I get to entering the water forever, the harder it is to sit through all this yip yap about some human's CHILDHOOD ISSUES. Until we have some more cultural turn-over in the USA, THIS IS WHAT WE ARE GOING TO BE STUCK WITH when reading a book geared for a human audience.

Obviously, I eventually picked it up again, because, hey, HERE WE ARE. It looks as if I set it aside just when Steve decided to get to THE GOOD PARTS. You know what I mean. The parts about THE LOCH NESS MONSTER. The pace picked up nicely -- I finished the last 3/4 of the book in a day -- and the solution was actually COMPLETELY SATISFYING, not to mention imaginative. There was some pretty good action in here, a very nice suspense level and a delightfully unlikely ending. Alten did a good job of helping me see it as it happened, and you know not every author is good at THAT.

TOO BAD THEY GAVE THE WHOLE STORY AWAY WITH THE JACKET ILLUSTRATION, AND THEN DID IT ALL OVER AGAIN IN THE FIRST FEW PAGES OF THE BOOK.

Well, OK, they didn't give the WHOLE story away. But to a fish reader, it's pretty obvious. I also had to shake my head when I saw that the hero guy went in and dealt with the situation at last, not because it was the right thing to do or because he was the best man for the job, but because he needed to RESOLVE HIS CHILDHOOD ISSUES.

A SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR LANDLOCKED MERMAIDS

2010-08-13T11:34:00.001-07:00

This one was written and illustrated -- or more likely illustrated, then written -- by Margot Datz and was published by Atria books in 2008.

I have to be honest here and say this was a VERY NICE EFFORT. The illustrations are very pretty and upbeat, and the message is ENTIRELY POSITIVE. I have NO DOUBT this will increase the recruiting successes among our operatives. More humans will want to "GO FISH" and become recruiters themselves after reading this, and the human males we aim to marry will be drawn in THAT MUCH QUICKER.

Alas, Datz betrays her ENTIRELY HUMAN VIEWPOINT on the relationship between Landfish and their human recruits on ALMOST THE FIRST PAGE. While she appears to entirely understand the plight of a fish out of water, she clearly thinks of it as ultimately a better thing that we come ashore and stay there. She talks about marrying the Shaved Monkeys as if it were an entirely middle-class American proposition -- a monogamous, once-in-a-lifetime, happily-ever-after process. She has NO IDEA that while the happily-ever-after part certainly applies to any human male lucky enough to pair off with a Landfish, the HARD WORK is JUST BEGINNING for the squamous bride, who will have to repeat the process AGAIN AND AGAIN as long as she continues her recruiting work.

She even talks about drowning Naked Apes as if it were a BAD thing! For crying out loud, that's HALF THE FUN!

Other points to ponder include her ENTIRELY HUMAN -- and again, middle-class-American, self-help styled "survival tips." Margot -- honey -- FISH DON'T ACCESSORIZE. EVER. 'KAY?

Oh, and one other thing:

I WAS SO WORRIED THIS WAS GOING TO BE ANOTHER CHILDREN'S BOOK! It is nice to see this plan of action presented for the illumination of ADULTS.

BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE, LADIES: Your instructions are DRAW THEM INTO THE SEA LIKE LEMMINGS. YOU KILL THEM. AND YOU EAT THEM.

A Salute To Bob Brown

2010-08-05T15:29:00.000-07:00

Yes, this blog entry is dedicated to the owner of what used to be the Andrea Gail. WHAT A GUY! I mean I always knew I liked him, but I had NO IDEA what a great recruiter he is for us. And the funny part is, HE'S HUMAN.

I learned so much about him when I read Fatal Forecast by Michael Tougias (see the preceding entry). Evidently his crewmen fear the "crazy risks" he takes, staying out on the water NO MATTER WHAT so he can BRING HOME THE FISH. He fishes YEAR ROUND, in any weather, so he can get JUST A FEW MORE FISH UP ONTO DRY LAND. He may or may not suspect that this is EXACTLY WHERE WE WANT TO BE. Maybe this is the guy who REALLY deserves to be on the Gorton's frozen fish box.

I remember thinking, when I saw it in the movie version of The Perfect Storm, that I didn't remember Bob warning Billy Tyne not to go out in the Andrea Gail that last time. I never saw that in the book, did I? Now I know I was right. Not only did he not warn them, he wouldn't dream of doing such a thing. BOB BROWN HAS NO FEAR OF THE OCEAN. HE JUST LOVES FISH MORE THAN ANYTHING. HE WANTS YOU TO LOVE THEM, TOO.

This is a man who has dedicated his life to BRINGING FISH AND HUMANS TOGETHER.

(Oh, and I wanted to mention that there's a photo of him in Tougias's book. He really doesn't look that much like Michael Ironside.)

(And when I say that his boat "used to be" the Andrea Gail, I mean of course that it now belongs to US. You freshwater operatives may not know that the fame of Sebastian Junger's book and film have made this new acquisition of ours a FAVORITE CLUBHOUSE for the North Atlantic's fully-aquatic operatives, especially the ones who used to be human. If you're ever passing through, DROP BY for a game of "go fish." They have sandwiches!)

FATAL FORECAST

2010-08-05T14:53:00.000-07:00

Now this was a REALLY GOOD READ. This 2007 publication was put out by Scribner. QUITE INTRIGUING. This book is what The Perfect Storm wanted to be: a play-by-play description of the sinking of a fishing boat in horrendous seas. Tougias could do for us what Junger could not because the boat under discussion in this story, the ironically-named Fair Wind, left a survivor behind, the aptly-named Ernest Hazard. YOU HAVE TO LOVE THOSE NAMES!

Ernie definitely had a rough time of it. The author, Michael Tougias, essentially told you in this book what happened after that last scene we remember from the movie version of The Perfect Storm: Ernie escaped from the boat exactly as ~~Marky Mark~~ Bobby Shatford did in the movie, only he latched onto a life raft and proceeded to spend the next fifty or so hours FIGHTING TO SURVIVE in hundred-foot seas in November, without a coat or even boots on, with nobody aware that the boat had sunk.

If the cover art on the book reminds you of the front cover of your copy of the movie about the Andrea Gail, there's a reason for it. Just about every moment of the Fair Wind's ordeal must have been drawn upon to make the movie version of Junger's book. I knew that a lot of the tribulations before the sinking that they used in the movie (the near-drowning, the Mako kiss) were cobbled together from bad experiences Junger described in the book as happening to Dale Murphy on other fishing trips. No Naked Ape will ever know exactly what happened to the Andrea Gail at the moment of the sinking, and apparently the filmmakers just drew on this story instead.

It adds a little flavor to the proceedings that Bob Brown, who would one day own the Andrea Gail, was out in this same storm in his own boat, taking photos of the waves as the Fair Wind was sinking, and generally marvelling at the scene. That's Bob for you. HE NEVER BROKE A NAIL. I love that guy.

Human readers will think this is a great tragedy -- the shattered lives, the loved ones left behind, all because of a "malfunctioning" weather buoy (chuckle). To a fish reader, the only tragedy is that WE DIDN'T MANAGE TO RECRUIT ERNIE AS WELL. I, personally, NEVER GET TIRED of reading about storms at sea as seen from the human point of view. You and I know how peaceful it is DOWN BELOW no matter how rough the surface gets. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A FISH TAKE DRAMAMINE?

I really wish they had been able to follow the adventures of the Fair Wind and the rest of the crew AFTER she capsized, but THOSE ARE THE BREAKS when you're stuck with a human writer. Anyway, If Tougias had written what happened to Rob Thayer, Billy Garnos, Dave Berry, and indeed the Fair Wind herself, that would be considered a maor security leak, and Tougias would have to be KILLED and EATEN.

But let me say again: this is a great read. DROP EVERYTHING AND GET A COPY. We can discuss it at the Book Club meetings at the end of the month.

A Few Thoughts On The Psychic Octopus

2010-08-05T14:26:00.000-07:00

Not since the cruel death of one of our eight-armed operatives in a hockey rink, some years ago now, has there been THIS MUCH FUSS over an Octapod. "Paul" has become notorious THE WORLD AROUND for his unerring selection of the winner of match after match in the 2010 World Cup finals.

Let me reveal unto the human readership what my fish readers already know...the FULL TRUTH of this supposedly paranormal phenomenon:

PAUL IS NOT PSYCHIC.

PAUL IS NOT A FAKE.

PAUL GETS IT RIGHT EVERY TIME BECAUSE...

...HUMANS ARE SO PREDICTABLE, IT'S PATHETIC.

Sometimes it's almost embarrassing to me, having to interact on a daily basis with this BUNCH OF EGOMANIACS. They think everything they do is such a big deal. Nowhere is this more apparent than on the playing field. Do they not realize that EVERY OTHER SPECIES looks at them in bafflement because of their need to make up PHONY COMPETITIONS to feed their egos? Do they not realize how they look to the rest of us when, by cheering on a team of guys chasing around a peculiar non-edible object, they congratulate themselves that they are part of something important?

THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN'T PREDICT THE OUTCOME OF HUMAN SPORTING EVENTS ARE THE HUMANS THEMSELVES. Why? BECAUSE IN SPITE OF THE STAGGERING HUMAN INTELLIGENCE YOU GO ON AND ON ABOUT, YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING.

And Paul -- who had the rippingly funny idea of JUST LETTING THE HUMANS KNOW THIS -- is now a superstar. Little do the featherless bipeds suspect that the only reason we didn't let them in on this before is that NOBODY BUT A HUMAN COULD POSSIBLY CARE ABOUT SOMETHING SO STUPID.

MIDNIGHT PEARLS

2010-07-10T18:24:00.000-07:00

Well, what can I say about this one? This is a Young Adults type of paperback intended to ring a few changes on the story of The Little Mermaid. Debbie Viguie wrote it; I gather she specializes in retelling fairly tales. The copyright date is 2003 and the publisher of my edition is Simon Pulse.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON THIS SLIM VOLUME:

>> The story has a pleasant Green Child feeling to it that makes the story just... about... bearable. But that was almost the only bearable thing about this novel.

>> The author clearly has NO FEELING for the lives we lead underwater. As near as I can tell, she sees NO DIFFERENCE between human and piscatorial love AT ALL. The life of a Mermaid -- as if we were still making them at this late date! -- seems in this book to be identical to that of any teenaged human. PERISH FORBID!

>> The story seems to be set "long ago and far away," in the seaside kingdom of Aster. But the author keeps lapsing into last week's American slang. The characters also behave in modern American ways, for instance the fact that not one, but two members of Aster's aristocracy, one of them bound to sit on the throne someday, are planning to marry pretty commoners who are CLEARLY NOT QUITE HUMAN, with the cheerful blessings of their fathers. In fact, I was struck by the way all the parents in this story take a modern, American "do whatever makes you happy, honey" type of approach to childrearing. It makes it 100% impossible to believe as you read along.

>> I kept wanting to say "Get real!" as I read this one. If greenish, translucent naked people kept washing up on the beach in any "long ago and far away" place on MY home planet, they would have been stoned to death or burned as witches, not married off to princes. In fact, it would probably happen pretty much the same way if they started washing up this week, although I assume they would be interrogated and dissected before disposal. Come on! If it were THAT easy, we wouldn't need to hide ourselves in the first place.

>> Listen up, Debbie: Mermaids have NO interest in marrying men on land. They draw them into the sea like Lemmings -- NOT the other way around. The operatives who marry men on land do it to produce more landfish who can eventually join us in the deep. The men are welcome to join us there, too, but if they resist or blow our cover, they will be KILLED and EATEN.

>> This story stands to profoundly confuse young girls who may already be in the process of transformation. And you know how gullible even partially-transformed Naked Apes can be when they read anything that's been published. They tend to treat it as factual, authoritative, binding, NO MATTER HOW BIZARRELY WRONG IT IS. Think of the characters in all those movies and stories -- 'Salem's Lot is a good example -- seriously discussing how to kill vampires based on the comic books they've read. Real life is no different among the Shaved Monkeys; I see it all the time. I used to think that way myself when I was a fully-human travel agent. I blush to remember it now. Except I can no longer blush.

>> Viguie's take on the story guts the whole meaning of The Little Mermaid, as it applies to the fish reader. There are close calls, but no killings. Everyone who is captured escapes in time. The evil spells laid by the Sea Witch are easy to fix. And the ending is happy. Everyone pairs off with his or her One True Love. NOBODY GETS EATEN. Why not put a diagonal banner across the front cover, saying "Sanitized For Your Protection"? Here's a news flash, Debbie: YOU CAN'T WRITE A WAR STORY WITHOUT KILLING OFF A FEW SOLDIERS. I know, I know, humans are clueless about what it is really about when they fall in love with a fish.

>> One piece of this story is a JUST PLAIN OFFENSIVE. Faye, one of the greenish, translucent women who washes ashore, not only FALLS IN LOVE WITH A HUMAN (spare me) but at one point makes some sort of plea to a Higher Power to change her into what she really is -- human. And the wish is granted! I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA PUKE.

>> And Pearl, our protagonist? Her, I wanted to strangle. ALL our operatives come ashore with a clear, burning, core purpose AND NOTHING CAN TURN US AWAY FROM THAT. That would not be an accurate description of little Pearl, who's buffeted hither and yon by every new development and every male biped who bats his eyes at her and tell her he loves her. All she does, for 197 pages, is kind of hope things will come out okay. GET A GRIP, KID. SERIOUSLY.

>> Ultimately, though, this story left no taste in my mouth. Why? Because there was NO PISCATORIAL LOVE IN IT. None of the fish characters were remotely like the real thing -- they don't even EAT fish, for crying out loud. The Sea Witch wasn't scary. The underwater world wasn't even described. There was no longing to go home to the sea. There was no dread of life up on dry land. IT DIDN'T HURT THE MERMAIDS TO WALK! There was no dramatic tension.

Obviously, I can't recommend this one any more than I can recommend Jaws. Why deliberately spread wrong ideas? And let me note right here on the Internet that I WILL NOT TOLERATE the use of this sort of reading material as disinformation to conceal our true motives. The destructive potential JUST ISN'T WORTH IT.

Have A Nice Planked Fish Dinner Tonight!

2010-07-07T11:50:00.000-07:00

This photo demonstrates the old-fashioned method of PLANKING FISH for dinner -- you split 'em open, nail 'em to a board and chunk the board into the sand in front of a fire. You eat the results when ~~the victim~~ your friendly recruiter flakes readily with a fork. PRETTY SIMPLE, EH?

Here in Michigan we favor planked Whitefish a la duchesse, but other states have large groups partial to Shad. Either taste is very sound, in my opinion. The method has sadly deteriorated over time and you are now supposed to use an oven, not a fire, and there are no nails involved. They also like to GLOP UP THE ENTREE these days with all manner of mango chutneys and la de da. Of course the a la duchesse has now gone more or less dehors la fenetre because of that wretched Atkins Diet and everyone thinking potatoes are a form of DEADLY NERVE GAS. You may be forced to make do with asparagus instead.

Never mind -- THE SIMPLEST WAY IS STILL THE BEST. EAT UP.

(If I may get off on a religious tangent here for just a tenth of a second:)

THIS IS DAGON'S BODY, PLANKED AND SURROUNDED BY MASHED POTATOES FOR YOU!

Says here...

2010-07-07T10:17:00.000-07:00

ABOVE: Mantis Shrimp feeling existential angst lift under the influence of dissolved sertraline.

...It says here that a scientist type guy at the University of Portsmouth's Institute of Marine Sciences (chuckle) has discovered that the UNCOUNTABLE GALLONS OF ANTIDEPRESSANT-SMELLING PEE dumped into the oceans is affecting the behavior of Shrimp. It finally dawned on a Naked Ape that Shrimp have serotonin levels, too. I'm sure this makes them all feel very proud of themselves.

They've only uncovered the first and most obvious effect of feeding Prozac to Shrimp: it makes them, QUITE LITERALLY, "go into the light" where they can more easily be KILLED and EATEN. They have not even begun to explore the other effects -- on the Shrimp themselves, on the creatures that eat them, on the creatures that eat those creatures.

FOOLS.

I Just Thought We Needed...

2010-07-07T08:01:00.000-07:00

...a break from all the Sharks, already. FEEL BETTER?

SHARK LIFE: TRUE STORIES ABOUT SHARKS AND THE SEA

2010-07-07T06:03:00.000-07:00

This slender opus by Peter Benchley is copyrighted 2005 to the author and was published by Yearling Press in 2007. As usual with this guy's books, he's managed to REALLY TICK ME OFF.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES:

>> Once again, the guy whose crap novel launched a thousand piscatorial slaughters -- from the poop decks of a thousand rich-kid yachts -- is trying to MAKE IT RIGHT by writing another book full of worshipful Shark stories. DOESN'T HE KNOW THE DAMAGE IS ALREADY DONE?

>> What ticks me off even more is that HE REALLY SUCCEEDS PRETTY WELL with this book. He's respectful to our Shark operatives, tells us about one cool adventure after another people have had with them, and can tell a Bronze Whaler from a Gray Nurse.

>> He rails against Shark slaughter, especially the grotesque practice of harvesting fins for soup. Remember, THIS IS THE SAME GUY WHO WROTE JAWS.

>> The book is full of good advice -- how not to get caught in an undertow, how to respond if you see a large predator in the water, which Sharks pose the biggest threat to Naked Apes, why you should swim only in groups, that sort of thing. This cheered me up a good deal as I read. JUST TRY AND SAVE YOURSELVES. FOOLS! WE'LL COME FOR YOU WHEN WE'RE READY.

Well, this is great stuff for luring human children into a more piscatorial life, anyway. I bought my copy used, online, and it arrived smelling powerfully of the cedar shavings used to line Hamster cages. I think that tells me a bit about the previous owner.

Oh, Bullsharks! -- The Sequel

2010-07-03T14:00:00.001-07:00

WELL, I HAVE TO SAY I'M IMPRESSED. Less than 2 weeks after having everyone discuss Fernicola's Twelve Days Of Terror in the book-club groups, YOU STARTED NOTICING THE CLUES FERNICOLA MISSED:

>> The heroic Matawan Creek victim, who died trying to save another Shark-bite victim, was named FISHER. His mother's maiden name was WATERS. His father was a SEA CAPTAIN.

>> Stanley's dad, Captain Fisher, commented that in all his years at sea he has NEVER seen a Shark attack a human. I daresay he was more than a little perplexed to hear that his son, working up on dry land in New Jersey as a tailor, had not only been killed by a Shark, but then learned it had happened in FRESH WATER. Fernicola's book does not relate what Captain Fisher made of THAT. The answer, BEFORE YOU EVEN ASK ME, is that we do it that way TO KEEP IT FUN.

>> The same of the other victim Stanley Fisher was trying to save? Stillwell. As in, a well full of still water. Or, just STILL...WELL. Ah, the mutlilayered meanings of human language! Young Lester, claimed at the age of 11 by Dagon's minions, had an utterly damp name and it also tells us his fate: STILL WELL, dwelling in wonder and glory forever with the Deep Ones.

>> A headline quoted on page 75 of the text: "SHARKS ARE MASTER OF THE COAST." Well, YEAH.

>> Page 101: "When considering the impact of water depth, distance from shore, water clarity, sea conditions, and location as they relate to Shark attacks, one should always remember that much or most of the influence points back to human traits rather than Shark preferences." See? EVEN THIS HUMAN AUTHOR ADMITS THAT THE NAKED APES BRING THE ATTACKS ON THEMSELVES.

>> Page 125: "As mentioned earlier, some Great White Sharks forget that the textbook says that most White Sharks are supposed to halt an attack after the first 'distasteful' bite of a human being." YEAH, THEY'RE NOT REALLY BIG READERS.

BRAVA, ALL OF YOU who are picking up these clues to the REAL motivation and plans of the fish world that the author himself misses!

Has any other Shark-bite adventure been THIS obviously piscatorial? I THINK NOT, MY FRIENDS. Keep up the research. Your brains will soon start to atrophy and this sort of fun rummaging through human books will no longer be possible.

Hey, DON'T BE SAD. Remember the good news I told you about a couple of posts back? Soon you will have NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, and NOTHING TO WORRY WITH.

TWELVE DAYS OF TERROR

2010-06-29T13:26:00.000-07:00

Or: OH, BULLSHARKS! Part III...

This is Richard Fernicola, M.D.'s highly-detailed exploration of the 1916 Shark attacks along the Jersey Shore. Copyrighted 2001 and published by Lyons Press.

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO RECOMMEND THIS OR NOT. It's so -- I don't know -- HUMAN. The author travels from pillar to post and goes back almost a hundred years in time to collect every detail he can possibly scrape up on the Shark attacks of that dim, dead year. Yes, it's essentially the same book as Close To Shore, but less literary and much more data-driven.

In most ways the two books are so much alike I wonder why both of them bothered. I have to say, Fernicola's came out first, so it probably has that elusive quality known among humans as "DIBS." It is also a lot more detailed and MUCH better-researched.

But the total outcome of all that effort is sort of "meh" as far as I'm concerned. The writing is uneven. The author starts to make a point, then apparently forgets about it, then starts to zoom in again, then changes the subject entirely. The copyediting borders on the surreal. Ultimately, he DOES reveal his conclusions, AND ARE THEY EVER WRONG. The nicest part of this book is knowing that even after YEARS of careful investigation by this guy, OUR SECRETS ARE QUITE SAFE.

Feel free to read this one. I can take it or leave it, myself.

Shark In Formaldehyde Sells for 12 Million Simoleons

2010-06-25T14:23:00.000-07:00

HUMANS NEVER CEASE TO AMAZE ME.

It's not that Sharks aren't precious works of art. NO ARGUMENT THERE. But to kill one, dose the victim in foul-smelling chemicals, suspend same in a phony fishtank and put the results on the auction block is, um, CRAZY.

But even that's not as crazy as PAYING 12 MILLION SMACKERS FOR THE DECEDENT. Surely we are worth more alive than dead. But what do they do to us when they see us alive? FEED US CHERRY BOMBS, IS WHAT.

I'm not sure what to make of this, ladies. But I cherish a hope that this humiliated corpse will draw in a few new recruits for the Cause. She certainly looks sporty in there, doesn't she? Almost alive!

And While We're On The Subject Of Carp...

2010-06-24T06:56:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to point out that about 75% of the terrifying Carp photos posted on the Net today, in connection with the news flash in the post below, show cowering humans THE WRONG KIND OF CARP. I have seen several handsome depictions this morning of Cyrinus Carpio. This is the basic, regular Carp that occurs naturally in Asia and Eastern Europe and has been spread from here to there by the humans working for us. Of course, being in ALL fresh waterways around the world makes them a MUCH LARGER THREAT to the human way of life than any Bighead, but LET'S KEEP THAT BETWEEN US, SHALL WE?

Breaking Piscatorial News -- Barrier Breached!

2010-06-24T06:39:00.000-07:00

IT'S HAPPENED, LADIES. An Asian Bighead Carp -- a two-footer -- has just been found beyond the electric barrier set up between the Mississippi River and Great Lakes Basins. Michigan, Wisconsin, Illinois and Ontario are ALL IN A FERMENT. Mike Cox, the Michigan Attorney General, is vindicated and for all I know this will SAVE HIS GUBERNATORIAL CAMPAIGN COME NOVEMBER.

Of course, WE KNEW ALL ALONG that out operatives have LONG SINCE BREACHED THE BARRIER and have been building a solid working liaison with the native wildlife for SOME TIME. But you know how the Naked Apes are. It's not real to them until it shows up on ONE OF THEIR DAMNED GRAPHS or in ONE OF THEIR DAMNED TEST TUBES.

And I know I'm splitting hairs here, but can everyone please stop calling them Asian Carp? ALL the Carp species are Asian, for crying out loud. It's a perfect example of the nearsighted perspective of our foe, the Naked Ape -- the familiar Cyprinus carpio has been around so long, with the full cooperation and consent of humans, that they never think of them as a dangerous, invasive species BOUND TO FOUL UP THEIR PLANS. And how to they think the other Carp made it from China to Milwaukee -- magic? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT YOU'RE HELPING US DESTROY YOUR RACE.

FOOLS!

THE SKATING POND

2010-06-20T11:44:00.000-07:00

This Berkley paperback was published in 2003 and copyrighted to Deborah Joy Corey. I know, I know, it doesn't SOUND piscatorial, BUT WAIT UNTIL YOU READ IT.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON ZE BOOK:

>> The story is set entirely on Deer Isle, Maine, so the characters are pretty much SURROUNDED BY WATER. Dad owns a fishing boat, mom traveled across the ocean from Canada to be with him, and the protagonist, Elizabeth, has essentially NEVER BEEN OFF THE ISLAND IN HER LIFE. She never learns to drive in the course of this story, so if she ever does leave, she's going by boat. At one point in her life she's running 14 miles a day, but does she cross the Deer Isle Bridge? Oh, no. She circles back and heads back to the center of the island. This place is all she has, and all she wants.

>> One thing I want you to notice is how in the course of this story, this girl LOSES JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING BUT THE ISLAND. First her sister is kicked out of the family and sent to live with an aunt. Then dad sells their fishing boat. Then mom takes a hockey puck in the forehead and is never the same again. Then dad's personality -- never that delightful to begin with -- starts to really, really slide. Elizabeth is more and more isolated.

>> The other thing I want you to notice is that because Elizabeth stays put on Deer Isle, only venturing off on a boat, SHE STAYS OK. You sure can't say that for the rest of the cast and crew, the ones who leave. Even mom gets worse every time she seeks medical treatment over the bridge.

>> Where does Elizabeth find happiness? Right there on the island, is where. She never seems to finish school or get a trade or even know how to raise her own kids, but one things she does cheerfully is head out to the ocean in Michael's fishing boat. When not fishing, she appears to be reading about fish. Or cooking them. Or thinking about them. When she breaks this routine, WE KNOW IMMEDIATELY THAT IT'S TROUBLE.

>> The big, big, big thing I want you to notice is that no matter what disaster befalls her, as long as Elizabeth is right there surrounded by the ocean, EVERYTHING IS PROVIDED FOR.

>> The other thing I noticed is that the author's bio on the cover is strikingly like that of Elizabeth's mother in the book. And they all -- Elizabeth, her mother, and the author -- look exactly alike, if you Google up a photo of the writer and compare it to the text. Now, I know that piscatorial biography can be VERY DANGEROUS as far as security leaks go, but I CAN'T WORRY ABOUT THIS ONE. Look out the window, ladies; times are dark and scary, people are terrified for their solvency and security, and NOBODY is more terrified right now than a fisherman's wife. Why? Well, THE FISH ARE HIDING RIGHT NOW. And then there's the itty-bitty oil spill in the Gulf. And the ravenous Sharks leaping into boats to eat the featherless bipeds within. All I'm saying is, NOBODY IS GONNA BELIEVE THAT THE OCEAN IS GONNA PROVIDE FOR ALL HER NEEDS...At least until she's recruited and starts turning into a fish herself.

Read this one! I liked it.

A Scrap Of Piscatorial Verse From W.B. Yeats

2010-06-14T13:46:00.000-07:00

Where the wandering water gushes

From the hills above Glen-Car,

In pools among the rushes

That scarce could bathe a star,

We seek for slumbering Trout

And whsipering in their ears

Give them unquiet dreams;

Leaning softly out

From ferns that spread their tears

Over the young streams.

Come away, O human child!

To the waters and the wild

With a faery hand in hand

For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.

-- from "Stolen Child"

Now, THAT's what I call great recruiting literature!

TIME BANDIT

2010-06-13T12:08:00.000-07:00

OK, ladies, this is the book that forms one tentacle of the Deadliest Catch TV octopus. The TV version is a reality show following the exploits of the crew of an Alaskan Crab boat called Time Bandit, named after a Terry Gilliam movie in which the characters were threatened with the dire fate of being turned, if they weren't careful, into Hermit Crabs. (They made it sound like a bad thing!) But I digress.

This book, written by Andy and Johnathan Hillstrand with Malcolm McPherson, is less like a typical boring reality show and more like an introspective take on the Crabbing life, as these Bering Sea fishermen experience it. It was published in 2009 by Ballantine Books. The Hillstrand brothers take turns describing their lives and experiences as Alaskan Crab fisherman, plying the water in search of King Crab, Snow Crab and Baradai Crab, who live in the cold, cold, COLD waters of the Bering Sea.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON THIS GRIPPING READ:

>> JUST IGNORE ANDY. This guy, co-owner of Time Bandit and co-author of the book, has indeed been a fisherman all his life, but somehow he still doesn't GET IT. He actually says at one point that he can't decide which he likes better: the fishing life on the wilds of the Bering Sea or the humid flatness of Indiana, where he and his wife own a Horse business. He was raised to a life of Piscatorial Love but really has the soul of a cowboy. >>shudder<<

>> JOHNATHAN IS ANOTHER STORY. This guy -- as his brother Andy freely admits, with a touch of awe -- THIS GUY THINKS LIKE A FISH. He even THINKS LIKE A CRAB. This is what I like to read about! Every chapter written by this guy is full of love and respect for all things beneath the sea -- OK, love, respect, and TERROR. He is enough of a landfish to have been scared for life by seeing Jaws. But he is enough of a seafish to be able to know without being told -- at least without being told by a human -- where the Crabs will be waiting for him when he takes the boat out.

>> The level of superstitious dread in Johnathan's chapters is ENTIRELY PROPER in my eyes. He understands perfectly that he truckles daily with forces MUCH BIGGER than he is, and that for all his precautions and safety drills, DISASTER CAN STRIKE AT ANY MOMENT. He ponders the mysterious deaths of other fishermen he has known, realizing that according to Naked Ape hubris, these people should all still be alive with their boats on top of the water instead of underneath it. No wonder Jaws scared him so much -- this man is painfully aware that WHEN DAGON CALLS, YOU GOTTA GO. Witness that moment when he's stranded on a boat that won't steer, the engine dead, and he hears that Dido song on the radio about "going down with this ship." What does he do? He throws the radio overboard, he says, "as if it were a bomb."

>> He is also aware, not so painfully, that he lives within daily earshot of Dagon's call. Does he hide from that? No. Does he spend half his time in Indiana, playing at being a cowboy like his brother? No. He goes right back out of the ocean the next day, is what he does.

>> Johnathan Hillstrand knows which side of his bread is buttered. Here's a quote from page 9: "I live like a king, I believe, thanks to the blessings of wild Salmon." When he says this he has just gotten through talking lovingly about the pleasures of gill-netting for Sockeyes, whom he loves in an open, admiring way that makes his stance on the fish world unmistakable. He even aligns himslf openly with Sockeyes specifically, saying that they are the biggest, nicest, most beautiful fish of all and even though he can't make catching them pay for some reason, he doesn't even care; he loves them too much to stop.

>> There are a few other clues to where he stands: A) He has devoted his entire life to bringing fish and humans together any way he can. B) When he is not fishing commercially, he is quite likely to be found doing it solo, with a hook and line. C) His brother Andy, a co-owner of the boat and business, is often to be found barrel-riding in the Midwest, but not Johnathan; he is never away from the Alaskan coast for very long. D) He has brought at least one of his children into the business. There may be others warning up in the bullpen.

>> Above all, Johnathan knows very well that he is taking a terrible chance every time he goes out on the ocean, BUT HE DOES IT ANYWAY. He seems, alternately, to be TERRIFIED OUT OF HIS PANTS and basially OK with it. As he says philisophically at one point, "Shit happens when you party naked."

I want you to read this, ladies, to bask in the fellowship of someone you may never meet but who nevertheless THINKS LIKE WE DO.

WE'LL SEE YOU SOON, JOHNATHAN.

Enter The Sea? Now? Is That A Good Idea?

2010-06-11T05:41:00.001-07:00

The cards, letters and phone calls are POURING IN, asking me one question over and over: IS THIS REALLY A GOOD TIME TO ENTER THE SEA AND CHANGE FROM HUMAN TO FISH? Our operatives are WORRIED SICK about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, the longliners, the gillnetters, the purse-seiners, the human filth pouring into every body of water from every sewage pipe, not to mention the WAD OF PLASTIC THE SIZE OF THE AFRICAN CONTINENT twirling slowly around and around in the Horse Latitudes.

The short answer is, YES, LADIES; THIS IS A GREAT TIME TO BECOME A FISH. We have never needed underwater support MORE, and we DEFINITELY need fewer and fewer bipeds up on dry land.

The longer answer is that IT'S NOT AS BAD DOWN HERE AS YOU MIGHT BE PICTURING. A lot of the short harvests experienced by commercial fishing boats, for instance, are OF OUR OWN DEVISING. There are plenty of WHOLE SPECIES down there no human has ever heard of, and WE ARE ALL WORKING TOGETHER to defeat the menace of the Shaved Monkeys. There is still clean water to breathe and when you arrive, YOU WILL BE AMONG FRIENDS FOREVER.

Of course, they also have no clue how many fish are UP ON DRY LAND, working to end their reign forever. We need you THERE. We need you HERE.

Keep close the GOOD NEWS that WORRY IS A HUMAN INVENTION. Once you transform completely into a fish, you will have NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, AND NOTHING TO WORRY WITH. Now how bad can that be?

Phony Octopus Security Leak Has Scientists All A-Flutter

2010-06-01T16:46:00.000-07:00

IT'S ALWAYS HAPPY NEWS when a new piscatorial fossil turns up. IT'S EVEN BETTER WHEN WE PLANT IT THERE FOR THEM TO FIND.

Not that this fossil is a phony. By no means! Only the idea that it might be an accidental secuirty leak is phony. The above image is indeed that of the fossil imprint of a 95-million-years-dead Octopus. This slides the evolution of that noble family quite a bit farther back in time than Naked Ape scientists originally supposed. That makes them scratch their heads.

It makes them scratch their heads again when they ask (as the blog where I found the photo did), OK, if Octopi were so highly-developed and intelligent 95 million years ago, why aren't they in charge of everything now?

FOOLS.

Octopi were already PERFECT 95 millions years ago, and they have not NEEDED to advance beyond perfection.

When will these idiot humans get a grip on the fact that their intelligence is NOT IMPRESSIVE TO ANYONE BUT THEM?

When will it occur to them that NOBODY ELSE, OF ANY SPECIES has their ravening need to be IN CHARGE, TOP OF THE HEAP, MASTER OF THE WHATEVER? They're pathetic.

Maybe in some distant decade, after enough balding monkey heads are scratched, maybe ONE of them will get the message: WE WERE HERE LONG BEFORE YOU. WE ARE STILL HERE. WE WILL EAT YOU LATER. WE WILL STILL BE HERE AFTER THE LAST ONE OF YOU IS GONE.

HER NAME, "TITANIC"

2010-05-29T11:41:00.000-07:00

This neat little paperback is copyrighted 1988 to Charles Pellegrino and was published in its mass-market form by Avon Books.

WHAT A GREAT READ. It almost seems to have been designed to appeal to both fish and humans, and it definitely appeals to those who are A LITTLE OF BOTH. While there's a lot of technical blah-blah in here, it never gets TOO THICK to wade through. EVEN A CATFISH LIKE ME CAN UNDERSTAND IT. There's also a lot of quoted discussion between the various parties involved in finding Titanic. Some of it you can take and some you can leave.

What I like, though -- and why I recommend this is as recruiting literature -- is the way the book is EQUALLY MOVING whether you are reading it from the point of view of one of US or one of THEM. A human is going to see the drowning of 1500 people as the familiar tragic clusterfunk that has NEVER LEFT THE CONSCIOUSNESS OF THE GLOBAL SHAVED-MONKEY COLLECTIVE. We all know THAT story. There were no binoculars to be found for the guy in the crow's nest looking for icebergs; it hit the ship just right to flood all the watertight compartments; there weren't enough lifeboats; the lifeboats were lowered less than half-full; yattata yattata yattata.

But read from a fish perspective, it's a GLOWING TESTAMENT to the teamwork and collective will that went into welcoming 1500 recruits home to the deep, where they dwell in wonder and glory forever. You see very few references to undersea life in the course of this book, but we were RIGHT THERE making sure it all went down smoothly -- you should pardon the expression.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES:

>> Even some of the technical blah-blah helped bring the point home, like the diagram on page 93 that showed the scale of the Titanic compared to the World Trade Center -- which was still standing when this book went to press, of course -- and how laughably they are both dwarfed by the 2 and a half vertical miles of ocean water holding the ship in place today.

>> What somehow makes this all come together for the author is his interest in space travel, and the way the discovery of the wrecked ship coincided so closely with the Challenger explosion. He feels the two disasters went down for much the same reasons, and I'll take his word for it. But he seems to make NOTHING of where the Challenger ended up. Don't you see it, Chuck? Bottom of the ocean? Hello? He's critical of those who defy Fate by saying this boat can't be sunk or that no little piddling ice storm can damage our big, bad spaceship. But he doesn't notice that in both instances, THE FISH TOOK OVER IN THE END.

>> The rare references to marine life in this book only go to suggest that there is MUCH MORE down there, in Pellegrino's opinion, that bears studying. Nice attitude. And the descriptions he gives of what he sees -- implying that some of the operatives at that depth defy description and that some of them are rather dreadful, like the one he compares to the title character in Alien -- will probably lead new little Ballards and Cousteaus to start building their own submersibles. BRING 'EM ON. I DARE YOU.

>> A lot of the book is a minute-by-minute timeline of what survivors told the papers and the investigators about the sinking itself. I WELL UNDERSTAND your concerns about the reports of those who nearly died, who felt a strange peace and acceptance come over them, and then got spat or hauled out of the water somehow. ("An unlikely calm swept over him," etc., on page 114 is an example. It even mentions that the guy goes into a rage when he gets spat out by the ship, sucked back in, as if she couldn't make up her mind. REALLY too close for comfort, I agree, in that case.) I consider these security leaks to be WITHIN TOLERANCES. If people start to toy with the idea that accepting for fate at sea is not that bad, WHERE'S THE HARM IN THAT? Pellegrino NEVER COMMENTS on how they FELT about being hauled or spat out of the water, AND THAT'S THE IMPORTANT THING.

>> Much is made of the BRAVERY of those left behind on the ship, like the telegraph operator who commented cheerfully "It's definitely fish for breakfast for us tomorrow. Or vice versa." BRAVERY, or EAGERNESS, you may well ask!

>> Obviously, this book can be displayed QUITE SAFELY on just about ANY bookshelf. Even now that the movie has had its fifteen minutes of fame, and everyone has calmed down and gone home, there's NO SHAME in being interested in the subject. People have been studying the sinking for almost a century and there's NO END IN SIGHT.

>> This makes a TERRIFIC companion volume to one of my favorite novels, Dead In The Water by Nancy Holder. CLICK HERE TO SEE MY COMMENTS ON THAT. It's meant as a companion to Pellegrino's other book on the subject, and Bob Ballard's books as well. THOSE ARE FINE, TOO.

>> As in Pellegrino's other book, Ghosts Of The Titanic, he comments more than once here about the curious effect on the adventurers of seeing the ship. They all cried their eyes out, basically. What they never say -- TO MY RELIEF! -- is whether they cried out of the sense of loss of 1500 total strangers, or out of LONGING to go down and join them. They keep talking about how they want to explore the deep oceans because it's going to be so helpful down the road in space travel, but PLEASE.

ANYWAY, read this one. It's good!

State Atty General Hinges Election Results On Asian Carp Hunt

2010-05-26T05:08:00.000-07:00

HEARD IT ON NPR THIS MORNING! That's right, ladies; they reported that recent testing shows no Killer Asian Carp have made it into the Great Lakes. We all know Attorney General Mike Cox has been leading the charge against these imported operatives, getting all the Great Lake states together and vowing on whatever lawyers hold sacred that NO CARP SHALL PASS. So I'd think he'd be PRETTY HAPPY, right? Well, after that it got WEIRD. The newscaster asked whether this development is going to hurt Mike Cox's chances at becoming Governor. The commentator quite seriously responded that it could, but the fact that no

KILLER CARP

have been found in the Great Lakes could also be seen as a positive.

WHOSE SIDE IS THIS GUY ON, ANYWAY?

I can hear you asking. Literally. The phone calls poured in all morning, asking whether he is ON TO US, and whether he is ONE OF OUR OPERATIVES who somehow didn't make it into the Directory, and if the Attorney General IS turning into a fish, will that make it better or worse for our Lamprey sisters?

HERE'S THE DEAL, LADIES: He is NOT one of us. He's not even on the recruitment list at this point. He just doesn't want to lose his DRAMA RATING with the other featherless bipeds as Election Day closes in. Nothing makes a human look more pathetic to his fellows than getting everyone all worked up over NOTHING.

The Lampreys are safe!

Piscatorial Product Review: Chocolate Graham Goldfish Crackers

2010-05-20T14:24:00.000-07:00

OK, the girls down at R&D have FINISHED their extensive taste testing of this relatively-new Pepperidge Farm product. I EVEN TRIED THEM MYSELF.

We're going to have to recommend these for SMALL FRY RECRUITING ONLY. The Cockles of my 2-chambered heart will be truly warmed every time I see a small, hairy human cub eating these. ESPECIALLY IF THEY SHARE. I would certainly be open to seeing these delivered by the 55-gallon drum to the daycares, preschools and kindergartens of the nation. LET'S GET ON THAT.

For myself, I rate them "meh." THEY JUST DON'T TASTE LIKE ANYTHING.

They're fine for keeping toddlers quiet, but not suitable fare for adults, AND DEFINITELY NOT FOR CATFISH.

THE WORLD WITHOUT US

2010-05-16T12:00:00.000-07:00

WELL, THIS WAS A LOVELY READ!

The World Without Us by Alan Weisman is copyrighted 2007, and was published by Thomas Dunne Books, which is an imprint of St. Martin's Press, if you can believe that.

WHAT CAN I SAY? WHERE DO I START?

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON THIS FEEL-GOOD MUST-READ:

>> The guy starts right out talking about US. "After we're gone," the author muses on page 16, "nature's revenge for our smug, mechanized superiority arrives waterborne." He goes on to paint an intoxicating word-picture of the rain seeping into every nook and cranny of human accomplishment, eating pits into the metal, wearing away the mortar, rotting away the boards. Before you know it, every trace is gone. SWOON!

>> He goes ON AND ON about what would happen if every human UPPED AND VANISHED. He didn't say HOW. He mentioned the Rapture as a possibility -- you know, the one where everyone flies up to that Christian Heaven of theirs and leaves their clothes and shoes behind -- but he didn't even THINK of the Fish Revolution wherein everyone walks into the sea and swims away to dwell in wonder and glory forever with Dagon.

>> He also goes into how much human effort goes DAILY into keeping the water out of their high-and-dry world. The illustration above is some artist's happy impression of the results on the day New York City finally FAILS in its efforts to keep 13 million gallons of eager water from flooding the subways.

>> He gives more than a few examples of why the flood CAN'T HAPPEN TOO SOON. Check out the chapter on plastics, for instance. And the one on radioactive waste. Gee, when I was a bipedal college student a guest professor said to a whole classful of kids like me, with his head held high, that nuclear energy is, and I quote, "ABSOLUTELY CLEAN." Garsh, you mean he lied?

>> He also gives us a picture of what DRY LAND will be like when the featherless bipeds are extinct. "The wrecking crews weren't just trees...but also flowers. Tiny seeds of wild Cyprus cyclamen had wedged into cracks, germinated, and heaved aside entire slabs of cement." SWOON!

Well, if I tell you too much, it'll ruin the whole book for you. My advice is this: DROP EVERYTHING AND READ IT.

>> Oh, just ONE MORE, from page 267: "Barely one square mile, Johnson Atoll is a marine Chernobyl and Rocky Mountain Arsenal rolled into one -- and like the latter its latest incarnation is as a U.S. National Wildlife Refuge. Divers there report seeing Angelfish with herringbone chevrons on one side and something resembling a cubist nightmare on the other." AND YET WE SURVIVE.

I LOVE THIS BOOK!

Shaved Monkeys Experience A Glimmer Of Insight

2010-05-14T14:59:00.000-07:00

WOW, I FINALLY FOUND IT!

An article in the Washington Post revealed unto the readership that the massive oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico is actually...are you ready?..IS ACTUALLY AFFECTING THE FISH. This is the very first comment to that effect I've heard or seen since the disaster began, WEEKS AGO. They go on and on about the effect it's having on all the poor widdle nesting birds, and the price of gas, and the PR status of the conglomerates involved.

FINALLY SOMEONE REALIZED THAT IN AN OIL SPILL ON THE OCEAN, THE FISH MAY SOMEHOW BE AFFECTED.

In fact, the article specifically said that due to some sort of other toxic crap called "dispersants" added to the filth billowing out of the broken pipes, this Texas Tea is GOING BOLDLY WHERE NO OIL SPILL HAS GONE BEFORE -- to the bottom, where it is coating living Corals, gagging the Shrimp and hurting the nesting and feeding sites of Snapper and other desirable edible species. YEAH, AS LONG AS IT AFFECTS THE NAKED APES WE ALL HAVE TO WORRY, IS THAT IT? Because if there were no such thing as a Snapper, THE OIL SPILL WOULDN'T MATTER.

I don't need to tell you I'm not happy about this, ladies.

AND MARK MY WORDS: THEY WILL PAY.

OCEANS

2010-05-07T14:30:00.000-07:00

Well, we just went to see this at the theater, and I'm PROVISIONALLY PLEASED.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON THIS 2010 DISNEY FILM:

Visuals: Beyond excellent. Only real reason to see this picture.

Message: Far from clear. "Oceans good"? If so, OK, fine. "Oceans in trouble"? They kept hinting at it without ever coming to the point. "Oceans worth exploring"? I would object to that -- TOO MUCH HAS BEEN EXPLORED ALREADY.

Voice-overs: IRRITATING. My dear Cod, by the end of the first reel I was ready to find -- and strangle -- Pierce Brosnan. It's probably NOT HIS FAULT they edited his commentary by putting it through a woodchipper, but IT COULD HAVE BEEN HANDLED BETTER.

There was, oddly, nothing much more to this picture. It was VERY pretty to look at, and EVEN MORE PISCATORIAL than Avatar. Overall, I'd recommend you rent it and JUST TURN THE SOUND OFF.

Sorry, Pierce; you just weren't making any sense, man.

AP Bulletin: Last Sardine Cannery in U.S. Closes April 18, 2010

2010-05-01T12:11:00.000-07:00

IT'S TRUE. The Stinson Seafood Cannery in Gouldsboro, Maine shut it doors on April 18th, 2010 after a century of good, hard work bringing Sardines and Naked Apes together, using those cool little cans that have the wind-up keys on them.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL ABOUT THIS. You know I like to see the shaved monkeys being recruited by operatives of all sorts: on the fin, fried, baked and canned in oil. But our Sardine sisters DO need a break now and then, as anyone would, and certainly the cards and letters POUR INTO MY OFFICE asking for transfers of duty. Isn't a century of canned-recruitment detail LONG ENOUGH? they ask, and who am I to say no? WE CERTAINLY HAVE OTHER METHODS.

The article in front of me says that Bumble Bee Foods, of which Stinson is a subsidiary, blames reduced fishing quotas for the closure. But of course OUR GALS have been simply REFUSING TO SHOW UP since before the new quotas were instituted. Not just the Sardines, either. Strangely, though, the clandestine photographs -- taken and forwarded to me by land-based operatives -- of the supermarket shelves across the country reflect that there are PLENTY of canned Sardines available, just as there are still PLENTY OF BREADED COD in the freezer section, 20 years after those fisheries closed down due to lack of interest. HOW DOES THAT WORK AGAIN?

The article I found online says that 130 Naked Apes are losing their jobs out of this deal. They skim over the fact that even in Stinson's sorry showing last year, producing "only" 30 million cans -- down from a 1950 peak of 350 million -- A GREAT MANY MORE SARDINES THAN FEATHERLESS BIPEDS ARE LOSING THEIR JOBS.

Wait, I keep forgetting. Before humans came along, fish never NEEDED jobs, did they?

TUNA: A LOVE STORY

2010-04-21T06:00:00.001-07:00

WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT THIS ONE?

Well, it was published by Richard Ellis, one of our best-loved PISCATORIAL ADVOCATES, through Alfred A. Knopf of New York in 2008. I have to say, IT WASN'T WHAT I EXPECTED AT ALL.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON THIS PULSE-POUNDING PISCATORIAL POLEMIC:

>> Well, I have to say that in spite of the title, there was NOT A DROP OF ROMANCE IN THIS BOOK. Well, that's maybe not true -- Ellis expresses a sincere, but rather bloodless admiration for the Tuna several times in the course of the book, and he quotes some other authors who really raved about them, like Zane Grey (of all people).

>> But THE FACT REMAINS that most of the book is made up of facts, figures, and a VERY monkeycentric history of what might be called the Tuna Wars. The Tuna themselves are not involved at all. They swim in endless circles in underwater pens while the Naked Apes are in pitched battle to maintain control of, and sashimi rights to, the Bluefin, the Yellowfin, the Bonito, and a variety of other close relatives of these mighty operatives.

>> Ellis makes some wonderful points in here about Naked Ape recklessness and their profound confusion about, well, EVERYTHING. Rearing about the way the featherless bipeds TWIRL THEMSELVES RIGHT INTO THE GROUND is all that keeps me going some days. The section on the mercury poisoning of Tuna -- and, by extension, those they recruit through sandwiches and sashimi -- was wonderfully chilling, and the part about how people stuff their children with Tuna sandwiches because they think it's health food is wonderfully bracing. AND IF YOU ALL DIE OF MINAMATA DISEASE, I SAY GOOD RIDDANCE.

>> Another thing I noticed is the very, very limited natural history available to the Naked Apes about Tuna. OUR SECRETS APPEAR TO BE SAFE FOR THE MOMENT. The only possible breach I saw was the one about the Great White who entered a Tuna pen, swam in endless circles with the others for DAYS, and was evicted without eating a single Tuna. As usual, the shaved monkeys were utterly stumped by these events, but WE DON'T WANT THEM TO SEE US COOPERATING TOO OPENLY, LADIES.

So, overall, I recommend the book -- but romantic, it ain't.

CLOSE TO SHORE

2010-04-10T18:42:00.000-07:00

Or: OH, BULLSHARKS! PART II!

NOW THIS IS A REALLY FINE READ.

This was written by Michael Capuzzo and published by Broadway Books in 2001. It tells the human-perspective story of the Matawan Creek, New Jersey Shark "attacks" in 1916, an age before the Monkey People had so many things they now take for granted, like television, radio, and swimsuits that weighed less than 50 lbs when wet.

THERE'S NOTHING NOT TO LIKE ABOUT THIS STORY. The author paints a fanciful portrait of an era when the featherless bipeds were just starting to rediscover the recreational delights of swimming in the ocean. Capuzzo appears to REALLY BELIEVE -- as perhaps they did at the time -- that this had NEVER BEEN TRIED BEFORE. He also appears to believe that Sharks were completely off the radar of the average American vacationer in those days.

FOOLS. YOU CAME TO US BECAUSE WE CALLED YOU! YOU CAME YO US BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO COME!

Capuzzo gets so many things wrong that the story, as read by a fish, is deliciously funny. He thinks the Matawan Creek operative was a juvenile, for one thing; he thinks she was a GREAT WHITE, for crying out loud; he thinks she was injured or sick in some way. He turns himself inside out trying to prove that all of this is scientifically provable, indeed scientifically proven. He thinks all kinds of funny stuff that only a completely monkeycentric writer could think.

READ IT AND LAUGH.

I have to say here that you will also read it and sigh longingly for the days before anyone ever heard of Peter Benchley, Stephen Spielberg or Jaws. It truly was a simpler, more innocent time to be a Shark. But it demonstrates the recruiting principle that ALWAYS WORKS for this family of operatives: THE MORE HUMANS YOU EAT, AND THE MORE SCARED THEY ARE OF YOU, THE MORE OF THEM WLL COME TO BE RECRUITED.

I don't get it either. But it never fails!

Some Interspecies Romance Visuals For The Day

2010-03-26T12:51:00.000-07:00

CLICK HERE for the most piscatorial wedding cake that I, personally, have ever seen.

A Few Words On Agent Tilikum

2010-03-08T14:09:00.000-08:00

CONTROVERSY RAGES about the recent actions of Tilikum, the (literal) Killer Whale who dragged his "trainer" to a watery grave at Sea World.

This is a tough one. There is no trickier position to be in, in my opinion, than the one Tilikum is in now. Although as a male he is one of Hank's operatives, not mine, I FEEL FOR HIM. After being treated like a ~~prisoner made to do humiliating tricks~~ rock star and friend of the children for DECADES, he's killed a Naked Ape for a THIRD TIME and narrowly escaped execution himself. It was a nervy act and THE EYES OF THE SHAVED MONKEY WORLD ARE UPON HIM.

I THINK HE MADE THE RIGHT CALL. He is going to have to go on recruiting, having been denied the release death might have given him, or the delicious ocean freedom he's NEVER STOPPED MISSING since his original capture. I wouldn't really wish his sentence on anyone, AS LONG AS I'VE DONE THIS GIG MYSELF. I would congratulate him myself, but I do not look enough like a human to "pass" in public any longer, and because I'm now mostly Catfish HE'D PROBABLY EAT ME, forcing the leadership to appoint a new North American Conspiracy Zone Leader years before it was planned.

Hank, who can no longer use even an underwater keyboard, STANDS WITH ME ON THIS.

Be brave, my brother.

The Mystery Of Memmie Le Blanc

2010-03-04T14:49:00.001-08:00

OK, I read about this fabulous case from another recruiting territory, and another century, in Michael Newton's book Savage Girls And Wild Boys, published in London by Faber and Faber in 2002.

WHAT AN INSPIRING READ. This is like "The Little Mermaid," only not fictional at all, and without the mawkish human sentiment that gums up the Hans Christian Andersen story.

Memmie was a mystery to her hosts. She was found fending for herself on the banks of the Marne in 1721, eating raw fish, root vegetables and frogs and running off like a lightning bolt if she spotted anyone coming. She also swam like a mink. She was eventually lured into human hands with an offer of more raw fish.

OR DID SHE LURE THEM?

They discovered that she had been painted black and didn't speak any language they recognized. After they scrubbed her paint off and taught her some French, she explained that she had been taken as a slave and painted black to look like the others, who were Africans. She arrived in France accidentally, while being transported to someplace new after her first owners sold her. Her slave ship sank in the Marne.

Her homeland, she explained, was somewhere that had snow on the ground much of the year, and her people had some sort of earth lodges to live in. They used tools like knives and clubs but -- here's the kicker -- no fire. The kids in this civilization learned to swim at the same time they were learning to walk. She never learned to withstand being in a room with a fire in it, and she couldn't even bear to have the windows closed in winter as long as she lived. At eight she could catch her own food and skin and eat it raw. She knew how to use a frog as a bandage, explaining she had once used it on the other girl who escaped from the sinking ship before they split up for good. She said in fact that her health had been ruined by the slavers and her first owners, who made her eat cooked food and stop swimming. People she stayed with speculated that she might be an Eskimo. Except she didn't look like one, and Eskimos are well known to use fire. Wikipedia suggests she was a member of the Fox Tribe in Wisconsin, but I never heard of any Indian tribe that didn't use fire. Besides, since when did a ship full of African slaves stop off in Wisconsin to steal a single little girl? DOES ANYONE BUT ME SEE THE PROBLEM WITH THIS STORY?

PRETTY MYSTERIOUS, EH?

Well not to us of course! This long-suffering operative, arriving onshore at a time when the public was fascinated with feral children and freaks of nature, was very much living the Little Mermaid life -- belonging in the water but never able to go home. She lived in miserable conditions in Paris, selling copies of a book a benefactor had written about her life, as long as history records her existence.

NEVER FEAR. SHE FINALLY GOT TO COME HOME, AND NOW DWELLS AMONG HER PEOPLE, IN WONDER AND GLORY WITH DAGON.

SHARKTOPUS!

2010-03-02T14:32:00.000-08:00

This image was created by Matt Leach. Long may he wave.

This is the best news to come along in A LONG TIME, ladies. Roger Corman, the long-time friend and defender of SCARY UNDERWATER THINGIES, as STRUCK AGAIN. The SyFy Channel has greenlighted this FUTURE MASTERPIECE as of 2/12/2010. ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS SIT BACK AND WAIT.

No, I haven't seen it yet.

BUT I WILL.

I want to point out the resemblance to another classic -- but sadly, equally FICTIONAL -- denizen of the deep from the Italian softcore-porn fish massacree, Devil Fish. (1984, directed by Lamberto Bava.) Same basic idea, but the earlier picture had more of a parrot's beak on the business end. Either way, HOW CAN YOU LOSE?

Days like this make me feel HAPPY ALL OVER.

Squid Invasion Of Orange County Roaring Success

2010-02-04T14:19:00.000-08:00

As you may have heard, HUMBOLDT SQUID ARE ATTACKING ORANGE COUNTY, CALIFORNIA. Yes, the recruiting figures are coming back rapidly -- Squid do EVERYTHING rapidly -- and we completed over 400 human captures in a single (Groundhog's) day. We did not need to kill a single one of them this time, either. Let the Pink Monkeys gabble on about global warming, overfishing and the tragic wildlife imbalance in the oceans -- THAT WON'T STOP US FROM TURNING THEM INTO OCEAN WILDLIFE THEMSELVES.

I LOVE days like these. Brava, ladies.

My Question Is This...

2010-01-31T10:36:00.000-08:00

...If Killer Asian Flying Carp are the most dreaded menace since the Spanish Flu Epidemic of 1918, and they're ALREADY in America's waterways RIGHT THIS MINUTE, and ALL OUR LIVES DEPEND on keeping them out of the Great Lakes, why are we not getting constant bulletins about the destruction wrought by the moustachioed marauders?

Could it be that some town selectman or banker's wife lost a filling in one of those flying fish attacks and got hot under the collar?

Could it be that someone who went fishing and got an unexpected shiner the day before Missy's wedding wants to get his or her name in the paper?

Could this all be one of those personal vendetta things that have to be solved, Naked Ape fashion, on the talk-show circuit?

I'm just asking.

Why I Love National Public Radio

2010-01-31T10:02:00.000-08:00

It just seems to me that every time I turn on the radio, NPR is delivering another terrifying news flash about the

KILLER CARP!

Seriously, they're broadcasting ALL THE LIVELONG DAY about the Killer Carp DNA found in Lake Michigan, the push to CLOSE THE LOCKS AGAINST THE MENACE, an upcoming EMERGENCY CARP SUMMIT between the Great Lakes States (and for all I know Canada), and of course that one delicious report I've already blogged about here at Cliffie's Notes, describing the killer fish as reaching

FORTY FEET LONG!

CLICK HERE to taste the insanity!

And Just One More Thing About Holder's Book...

2010-01-16T14:45:00.000-08:00

This is a quote from Nancy Holder's Dead In The Water, from page 373 of my copy, and I think it should serve as A MESSAGE OF HOPE FOR EVERY STRUGGLING HUMAN SEEKING A BETTER DESTINY:

" And he lay in the yacht and cursed all men and all gods...On the sixth day, he tore a piece of the canvas, bit by bit, all day; his fingers bleeding, his teeth ripped out, and he wrote in his own blood for help. He threw the bottle over the side and fell back, marvelling that he wasn't yet dead.

"And on the seventh day, the reply, the answer, in the green glass; it rose, it came to him, singing, with fish, and it spewed water into him, and it promised, it promised --

"And he promised.

"They became one."

That passage always CHOKES ME RIGHT UP.