False Alarm, Everyone!

 

It was ONLY A TYPO when the lefty-righty pitcher for the Oakland As, Pat Venditte, was described in the East Oregonian as AMPHIBIOUS.  They obviously meant AMBIDEXTROUS. 

 

It's PRETTY SAD when a Catfish living in a secret sub-basement of the Manoogian Mansion is a better speller than a bunch of Shaved Monkey journalists.  It reminds me ALL OVER AGAIN of why we need to turn them all into FISH.

ZOMBEAVERS

All I can say is WOW!

This SPECTACULAR 2014 release, which actually got shown in some brick-and-mortar movie theaters, is VERY HARD TO RENT because it is so popular.  This in itself makes it a good recruiting film for Our Glorious Cause. 

In many ways, this movie is PERFECT to introduce aquatic consciousness into the landscum.  It's disguised as a typical teen horror comedy, with kids in bathing suits trying to fight off unstoppable killer Beavers.  The menace is hideously ugly, unlike our alluring real-life recruiting operatives, and appear to HATE humans, unlike real recruiters who want to MARRY them and raise families.  If you didn't know better you'd think we were DANGEROUS to the human race, not their intended RESCUERS.

Here's what makes it so interesting to ME:  As usual in the eco-horror subgenre, the trouble starts when a drum marked BIOHAZARD rolls into a lake and springs a leak near a Beaver lodge.  This doesn't merely make the Beavers BLOODTHIRSTY and VIOLENT.  In this case, it also makes it possible for them to turn featherless bipeds into aquatic rodents with just a nip or a scratch.  Before you know it, more than a few of the cast are sporting, not fangs, but Beaver teeth.  And, MUCH AS IN REAL LIFE, they find themselves suddenly in  sympathy with, and actively working together with, their recruiters.

Now, I wonder if it might be possible to make this happen?  Convert a Naked Ape AGAINST HIS OR HER WILL to an aquatic species with a minor skin nick?  Is a good DNA transfer possible using this method?  I'm going to put R&D on this RIGHT NOW.

(And I have to add this, because it cracked me up:)

And the Numbers Are In!

Says here that they COUNTED IT ALL UP and during the recent recruitment drive,  during which we took FULL ADVANTAGE of the flooding of Texas, enough rain fell to cover the entire state with 8" of water. 

 

THAT'S ENOUGH FOR ALL OF US TO BREATHE!

 

Days like this, I feel like telling Thor to keep up the good work. 

Finally, The Naked Apes Are Trying To Meet Us Halfway!

 

And you KNEW it would come from somebody in Japan!  Quiksilver, a Japanese company that makes wetsuits for Shaved Monkeys, has astoundingly come out with a line of neoprene suits for boardroom-to-beachwear ease.  Perfect for any new recruit who has not yet grasped the reason for his longing to be in the water at odd moments, and IDEAL for any self-aware landfish who needs to slip away from the rat race and get wet during the lunch hour...or after an office party.  (The version on the far right is a tux, you'll notice.  Is that perfect or what?)  I can't speak for the shoes, but the shirts and ties are also made of neoprene.

 

I love this.  LOVE IT!

 

Alas, they go for $2,500 apiece at this writing, but I expect the price to come down eventually.  If only we had enough in petty cash to outfit EVERYONE with one of these.  We have too much cooking elsewhere to spare that kind of money for clothes that might, you know, OUT us to the landscum.